Well Deserved Self Loathing
Sunday, July 07, 2019
Today, I am so angry with myself. How did I ever let my life get this out of control? It's not just my weight. It's everything. I'm 308 pounds. My house is disgusting. I'm broke. I've been trying to fix all three things a little at a time.
The weight has been coming off. I'm down 27 pounds. I'm trying to clean my house. It's going slowly because I'm so out of shape. Cleaning is good exercise, so cleaning and eating healthy work really well together.
I've struggled a lot with money for two reasons. One, I have been really stupid with money. Two, I've struggled with anxiety, depression, and extreme fatigue and that has really limited how much I earn as a freelance writer. I am working for a really great client, I just need to work more hours. With the anxiety, depression, and extreme fatigue, it's hard to focus. I sleep 12-14 hours a day, and I still struggle to stay awake and alert during the day. I've had a ton of medical tests, but I still don't know why I struggle with fatigue. I'll keep getting tests and keep trying to get healthy. It's all I can do for now.
I'm really angry with myself now because I put off getting a dental for my dog. He's needed one since May. I was sure I was going to get it next week. However, my dogs face swelled up today, so he obviously needs a dental right now. It will cost $500-$600. I'm an idiot for putting it off. I just had so many unexpected expenses. My car just died, so I need to pay for an Uber to get my dog to and from the vet in addition to the vet bill.
I am so angry at myself for being such an irresponsible moron. I had an emergency fund, but my car went through it. I'm 52 years old. This is no way for someone my age to live. I'm not saying that everyone who struggles financially is irresponsible. I know some people have good reasons. I don't. I've mostly just been stupid and my mistakes have hurt my dog.
I really need to grow up and become an entirely new me. No more excuses. I need to work more and get my finances in order. I have got to be more disciplined and stop being so wimpy. I absolutely can't wait any longer to change.