So, today I had a hard pill to swallow for the changes taking place in my life. I have not blogged yet on my diagnosis but here it is: back in January after a regular doctor's visit it was discovered in my blood labs that I have Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia. My doctors I have for myself and my family are incredible and stay on top of regular readings and look for upheavals. The phone call from our family doctor though was still beyond hard. The scary part is the calm that came over me when I came in from running errands to be told by my mom the doctor's office called and our family doctor wanted me to call him back. Thankfully it did not register with my mom that this could NOT be a good call. I am her care advocate/partner/ and when needed caregiver.
When I called the doctor back and his nurse put him on the phone I told him- "It's in my bones isn't it." It was just something I felt and yes, the blood cancer starts in my bone marrow. Talk about not being able to breath and the only thoughts running through my mind is who is going to hold my family together, be the strong one, the foundation that keeps us moving forward??? When you are the foundation and you become shaky, how do you be okay with that?
Calling my husband probably put him in mild cardiac arrest since I could only say his name as I paced outside with tears streaming down my face so our moms could not see. We have moved both our mothers in with our family and act as their care advocates and at times its beyond hard but we make it work its called LOVE. I knew the upheaval and worry this news would cause them so made the decision point blank to wait until test confirmations on my diagnosis and the 1st hurdle of 3 months blood labs to see about my readings. So, in my household the only ones to know was myself, husband, and our 18 year old son. I made the decision to not call my brothers either, since I needed time to just adjust and not take on more emotional baggage. I did call my closest, best friends I am more than blessed with. Why- them and not family because they would know my calling is reaching out for support, help, and someone to keep me sane as my thoughts race. I am beyond blessed with these amazing ladies- my angels on earth.
I have made it through my 1st 3 months blood labs and the hematologist/oncologist is happy with my healthy ways. I no longer worry about weight loss since if I start to lose rapidly it could mean the cancer is accelerating. My goal is to remain active, eat healthy, keep other chronic diseases at bay which would only make me weaker and to be POSITIVE. There have been many days lately when I am struggling with the daily frustrations of running the household, work, and caring for everyone's needs. I used to be able to balance much better but I am now feeling the true meaning of the word: FATIGUE.
If I push too hard, which is my normal my body gives me a BIG wake up call on
and will not allow me to push past it. I have gotten stung by a hornet and now learned I have to go immediately to an Urgent Care Clinic for steroids and antibiotic since my immune system is now compromised and cannot fight the venom properly. I tried being hard headed and waited 24 hours before going to a clinic after the sting since I needed to get to a dental appointment and work shift that night. Yes,
my body gave me a knock out punch on that decision and I had a swollen thigh and deep muscle burning and a severe limp that has now hindered me for over a week.
Swallowing the reality pill that I have to listen to my body and do what is best for it and not a To Do List is hard for a person who admits to be a bit of a control freak. I do not like admitting weakness but seems I am going to learn the hard way. The positive is: The world is NOT going to stop spinning and moving on if I sit and take a breath. I do some mindful thinking about: what POSITIVE things I am able to do, rejoice in the small things around me, and let myself rest. I am living with leukemia not dying from it. I can choose to do small positive things even on days like today when I feel like I am walking through my day in waist deep mud. Slow, sluggish, teary eyed, frustrated, bone deep tired... guess what my old Akita fitness buddy feels it and makes it all better by putting his head on my leg.
So time to go Sparkers by fitness buddy just said time to read a book and love on him.