Thursday, July 04, 2019
I've been up since midnight... I should probably go make more coffee. I've been doing a lot of thinking, and not all of it good. I'm frustrated, and angry - anger is a difficult emotion for me to deal with, because it was not allowed when I was growing up, so I internalized it and turned it into other emotions, usually depression.
I feel so helpless. A feeling I'm long familiar with. A feeling I want to get rid of, and never have again. But, this is sparking a determination in me I have never felt before. Tonight, being up thinking so much, has really made me think and opened my eyes to a lot of things.
I've let a lot of people in my life take advantage of me. I grew up being abused and knowing no other way, so as a young adult, I didn't know any better and stayed in toxic relationships and let people take advantage of me over and over. I have long since gotten most of the toxic people out of my life, and have done a lot better, but here I am, finding myself feeling helpless and letting other people run me over again and again. I know it is going to take time to build up my confidence and the firmness of my 'no', and it is going to take time for the people in my life to get used to me doing so, but it is going to happen. I'm going to find my 'no'. I'm going take my life back. I'm going to find me, and get rid of this helpless feeling and find a way to never have it again.
I know the people I love mean well. But, there is a difference between helping me, and trying to override me because they think they know what is best for me. I'm not sure if that is the right word, but it feels right. I'm not used to using my voice. I let others, whom I love dearly, come first almost always, and I think it has gotten to the point that it is expected of me. Expected that I won't give a fight, or stand for what I want. I'm done with that. It will take time, I know I won't suddenly be able to speak my mind with full force overnight, but I'm working on it.
So, I'm taking the next step to REFOCUS on what matters most to me. Finding my independence is one of those things. Getting healthier is at the top of the list in order for that to happen. And getting in shape, eating right, working out, all that stuff, is what is going to get me there. Taking my vitamins and medications on time, every day is a must. I hate it, but it is a must. If I'm not working on my health, I'll end up worse again, and I don't want that to happen. So this is my number 1 priority.
My number 2 priority is my family. Getting in better communication with my kids, helping them grow, being there for them (I can't do that if I'm not healthy). I've spent a lot of time in bed due to my chronic illnesses the last year, and DH spends almost all his time on his computer in the office. I've let this be an excuse for me to often do the same, wanting to spend time with him.... but no more. I'm going to limit my computer time drastically so that I can be present for the kids. I'm hoping this will also lure the my husband out of the office. I want to spend more time with him, but he seems to only want to be in his office, on the computer. He talks about getting in shape and losing weight, but so far, it's just been talk.
Number 3 priority is a mix of two things. They may not seem to go together at all, and perhaps they don't, but when I was working out how to schedule my day, the two have to go together. Homemaking (cleaning, cooking, keeping a peaceful home as a place for my family to find refuge and love) and training my dog, Hope. I'll have to routinely stop what I'm doing to train Hope, so it will have to be worked in with my schedule as I go through my day. I am sad to say, I am going to have to wash her out as a service dog in training. The trainer I'm going to be working with come mid-July may determine otherwise, but she has an intense fear of new things and the neighborhood. She is the most un-Golden Retriever-like Golden I have ever met. I think that is why my trainer I started out with, the one who picked her out, the one whose Mom was the breeder, vanished on me. She knew Hope would never make it as a service dog. I feel so taken advantage of. I love this dog though, and she is part of the family, so we will keep her. I'm going to continue to train her and hope to help her get over her fears so she can live her best life. But my dreams of her being a service dog are probably just that, dreams. I do plan on talking to the trainer about him training a service dog (SD) for me. And this time I'm not going to give in to what other people think I should do. This time I'm going to save my money, and I'm going to get the dog I want (a German Shepherd) and I'm going to do the type of training I want (mostly with the dog staying with the trainer, but then spending time with me as well, at the trainer's so that the dog bonds with me). It will take a while. But it will be worth it for the freedom having a SD will give me.
Number 4 priority is getting financial freedom. This is going to be hard. My husband is in charge of my finances due to my chronic illnesses. But he is not good with money. He is an impulse spender. I love him dearly, but he has been trying to put a lot of the blame for this on me, and it just is infuriating. I don't want to argue over money, but any time I talk to him about money, that is what happens. He gets mad the moment I bring it up. I won't go into on here, this is not the place, I'll just say that I want to be in control of my finances. I'm tired of not being able to buy or do the things I want to do, for me or for the kids, when it shouldn't be a problem at all. It's maddening.
Number 5 is to find a new church, and make friends. I have no friends that live nearby. None. The few I had either were to into drama and I had to cut ties for my own sanity, or moved. The church hubby has us going to now is college oriented. I'm not even close to college age and only took a few classes when I was in the military and online, so I cannot relate to them. It has barely enough kids for them to have a kids ministry, and they lump all of the ages in together, mainly so the adults can be in service, so my kids aren't really getting anything out of it. The few adults that are closer to my age that I have gone out of my comfort zone and tried to make friends with have, politely, turned me down with excuses. I feel unwanted. I don't feel any community at this place at all. DH is not willing to leave the church. He has made friends, and is in the worship band and plays almost every Sunday. I don't like saying this, but i really hate going. I've not told DH all of this. But my plan is to start going to new churches until I find the right one as soon as I can drive. I should not dread going to church the way I do. I should not feel unwanted and overlooked at church where you are supposed to be part of the church family. I did not realize I felt this strongly about it till last Sunday. Several things happened and I just don't want to go back at all. I will, because the kids want me to, but that will be the only reason. And that, is sad.
Number 6, and I'm really sad this has to be so far down the list, is my dream of learning to sew. I want to become so good at sewing that I can not only sew my own clothes, but open an online specialty shop. This will help with my dream of financial freedom as well, if it works out. I know it will take lot of time, practice, and hard work. As well as finding teachers or classes to improve and learn the techniques I'll need to learn. And learning more about having a business, I'll need to learn how to price items, and so much more. I'm looking forward to it though. I see it as a challenge, and other than getting healthy and losing weight, I've not had a good challenge in a long time.
I have to say, I feel more prepared now. Knowing my priorities and what order they are in is one thing. Having the determination to see it through is another. Having the tools to follow through is yet another. I think I have most of the tools I'll need. But I really have to work on the financial freedom part. I need to be able to have that freedom. That will take time. For now the tools I have will suffice. One thing at a time, as they say. But I feel like, if I only dip my toes in, I'll let fear hold me back.
All of this will go on hold for the next week and a half. We are preparing for a long vacation, one that I'm not looking forward to because I was not only not asked if I wanted to do this vacation, I was not in on the planning or anything. It has made me really feel like I'm not part of the family I married into. I have no idea what to expect, even DH, who has been in on the texting and such, has not told me much. That is part of the helpless feeling. That is part of the hurt I'm feeling. I've tried my best, for my kids sake, to seem interested and excited. But I just can't be when I feel this way.
But I'm not going to stop my planning altogether. I plan on taking all my planning tools, and my laptop (though DH wants to leave it at home) so that I can continue planning and thinking ahead. I feel like if I let this determination slip through my fingers I might not get it back.
What I really feel like doing is curling into a ball and crying. But I feel like if I do that, I'll just be feeling sorry for myself and turning my anger into depression again, when I need to turn it into purpose. I need to work on these things. I need to REFOCUS my life, not just for my sake, but for my kids.
That was really long and probably a lot of TMI, but I really needed to get that out. I have a lot on my plate, a lot on my mind, and lot to do.
If you actually made it all the way through this blog, bless your heart, and thank you. feel free to leave feedback, encouragement, or just a hello.
Have a wonderful Independence Day. Ironic that today is the day I decide to start taking my independence back, isn't it?