Sunday night - the time when the mind monsters take over my brain
Sunday, June 23, 2019
Just a quick note - not sure what I want to say. Warning that I have no idea what may pour out of my fingertips tonight. This could be maudlin and a bit rambling because as the title suggests, the mind monsters have invaded and thoughts are ricocheting about randomly.
First of all, I am praying for so many close friends and family members because everyone I know and love seems to be battling serious health issues - found out that yet another close friend from church just was diagnosed with cancer that has metastasized throughout her entire body.
Second thing in my mind is my doctor's appointment tomorrow. I haven't met this surgeon before and am concerned that he may be reluctant to do both knees at the same time. I am coming armed with my arguments for having them done that way. I have fitness center assessments going back almost ten years - showing that I am generally fit. I have the cardiologist's assessment that I am a low to moderate surgery risk. I have someone who lives with me and who can drive, assist me with various recovery needs. I still work full-time and have only missed 2 days for medical reasons in the past 5-7 years. I got back on the treadmill after a very serious fall the very next day. I am motivated and absolutely want to be back in my classroom this fall. I am probably making mountains out of mole hills but my mind won't stop racing. The thoughts of "what if something goes wrong?" " What if I die? " "what will Ed do if something bad happens?"
I have meditated, prayed, put soft music on, used my essential oils, and yet, my mind monsters keep jumping around. They isolate me, making me want to avoid talking with people or being around others.
I am a little scared and probably preparing my arguments more for myself than for the doctor. I did have my tonsils out 66 years ago, had my two boys in a hospital 52 and 49 years ago, had a plate put in my wrist after I broke it 8 years ago, but other than that, I haven't spent any time in the hospital. The news is full of horror stories about people who go in for something minor and die from some horrible thing that they get in the hospital.
My orthopedic surgeon went to Harvard and John Hopkins for his training. He has been practicing for 17 years, and is Board Certified. He has no record of complaints of malpractice. He specializes in knee surgery and has done more of them than 88% of the doctors in the area. The hospital has a very high rating.
I feel like I am crossing all my Ts and dotting all my Is, but my mind races on with "what ifs" and maybes. It is robbing me of today worrying about things over which I have no control.
I am rambling as I feared but sometimes this is how I process and prepare for things that scare me. Prayers are appreciated and I have to keep reminding myself of who is in charge of my life and yet it is not easy for me to do.
I think I will just go to bed and try to sleep. Tomorrow I hope that I will know more than I do today. I dislike the feeling of uncertainty that has been my steady companion.
Be blessed and have an amazing week.