It's a beautiful Sunday evening, and I'm relaxing before going to bed. My cat Bushi is here with me, I got many things accomplished this weekend, and all is well.
I had another happy moment today that I wanted to share (this blog in some ways acts as my memory - which is horrible on its own - so, I often re-read things I wrote years before and have no recollection of it).
I've never been athletic or fit. I've never learned to move my body in a non-awkward way, and I often feel clumsy or even slightly ashamed of how I look trying to do things, even if it's just walking, or getting out of a car, or any other number of mundane tasks. It may be because of my bigger size, it may be that I'm just awkward, who knows?
Well, I had a boxing class today, and a couple hours later, I went back to the studio for a consultation between myself, a trainer, and my friend who is doing the boxing challenge with me. It was really just to get the basics down, so that our work in classes can be more effective, and he went over form and technique with us. I tried really hard to focus and change the things he pointed out, and I think I did a pretty good job. Well, at one point, he was reminding me to do the correct footwork with each step (when I lose stamina, I tend to plant my feet, which is not the right way to do it). He said "It's just like dancing", and without even thinking (like many insecure people, I have a self-deprecating sense of humour), I said (with an awkward laugh) "Well, I'm bad at that too..." He stopped me, and said "You're actually really good at this. When you get your footwork in, you look like a real boxer." I was blown away.
I've had people call me smart, they call me kind, they may call me cute.... but it's such a rare and beautiful moment when someone tells me I'm physically good at something, because I've told myself since I was little that I'm just not good at "sports" or "gym". I've always told myself that it's okay that I'm not good at it, my size makes it hard for me, I didn't do physical activities growing up, I don't have "muscle memory". But look at me now. I'm no smaller than when I started, I'm not physically fit (yet), but here I am, in my round awkward body, moving like a boxer. Friends, I can't tell you how good this feels. And how much it proves to me that I was just standing in my own way all along by telling myself I'm just not good at it.
I hope you're all going to have an amazing week, and that you'll give yourself words of kindness and encouragement to help you in your journey.