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Tuesday, June 11, 2019

So, the last month or two months really have been a downhill slope which have culminated into today's blog post/rant. I'm sick of being sick and I keep doing things which make me sick. Instead of living a healthy life I have been filling filling my body and mind with poison - and then complaining about the results. That ends today. I am not giving up. 2 Chronicles 15:7 - "But as for you, be strong and do not give up, for your work will be rewarded". I compared my picture 5 years ago to today and I am disgusted and heartbroken. I wish I were as "fat" as I was when I thought I was fat. I looked AMAZING back then. Over the course of the last 5 years, I have had a lot of stressful things happen and I've survived. I was able to plan my wedding and my mother's funeral without drinking. I have accepted a stepson into my life. I have gotten a new job and thought I was getting fired and now I'm getting retrained for a different department in my job. I've dealt with financial worries, broken appliances, car repairs, credit card, medical, student loan bills. I've lost friends and gained friends. I've been to and through hell and back and I've survived. This unhealthy eating and bingeing and not exercising thing I've been doing is pure weakness. If I can get through life without smoking a blunt and drinking rum until I black out, then I can get through life without eating ridiculous amounts of cookies and brownies and cupcakes and chips and stolen chocolate and protein bars and all the other garbage that I shove into my face as quickly as possible often because of my emotions but at other times because I am bored or it just freaking looks good at the moment and because I am addicted to food just like drugs and alcohol and cigarettes and being codependent, I don't stop at ONE treat, I eat until I am physically sick and am hurting the ones I love. It stops today. "There is no failure except in no longer trying" - Elbert Hubbard. "Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time." - Thomas Edison. "We have the chance, to turn the pages over, We can write what we want to write...We're not gonna sit in silence...We're not gonna live with fear...This time, we know we all can stand together, With the power to be powerful, Believing, we can make it better." The song (John Farnham, redone by Rebecca St. James) is about war I think ("We're all someone's daughter, We're all someone's son, How long can we look at each other, Down the barrel of a gun?") but really, I am at war. I am at war with MYSELF. I am my own worst enemy! I am my own worst critic! If other people talked to me the way I talked to myself we would no longer be friends. It has to stop. It's going to stop.


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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    What a beautiful and raw post. Thank you for your honesty. You have been through so much. My heart goes out to you. Cheering you on as you treat yourself with kindness and love.
    128 days ago

    Comment edited on: 6/14/2019 5:17:41 PM
    No shame in that!
    You've got this!
    129 days ago
    Wow, Stephanie! This is one of the best blogs I've ever read on SP. You have articulated EXACTLY what I am feeling this morning, and I want to stand together with you and move forward, releasing all those awful feelings and refusing to treat myself the way I've been doing for far too long. "It has to stop! It's going to stop!" I love your attitude. AND I love the way you write. Always have.

    You are such a fighter, such a survivor!

    131 days ago
    You are inspirational. Your attitude is my attitude. We all have problems but they don’t have to take over our minds and bodies. ❤️
    131 days ago
    I was in your place food wise a year ago, I joined OA (Overeater's Anonymous) it is based on AA. My life is amazingly better and the "cherry" is that I have released 100lbs from my life and body-hatred.
    131 days ago
    131 days ago
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