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Obsession. Can it ever be healthy?

Monday, June 10, 2019

As a child I was obsessed with dolls. Barbie in particular, I collected, I built, I played, I enjoyed. It helped me be artistic, creative, and developed me into a writer. As a teen I was obsessed with Buffy the Vampire. I collected, I watched, I wrote, I kickboxed. It helped me to see love, develop my own independent sense of right and wrong, and started me thinking about ny health. As a young adult I was obsessed with Video gaming. I explored. I developed an inner me. I dated. I created. It helped me find a husband and determine what I truly wanted in life. As a twenty something I was obsessed with my wedding day. I lost weight. I budgeted. I chose. It helped me learn to live within my means and budget for life. As an early thirty something I was obsessed with my babies. I preschooled. I arted. I gardened. It helped me develop children who know they're loved, who are at the top of their class and amongst the highest scoring reading levels in the state. Now as I tip toward that big 40 number my obsession is my weight. My health. My sugar levels. My scale. My hair. My teeth. I was here a year ago. Obsessed in what I thought were healthy ways, yet every time I stepped on the scale I went up another pound. 343. I went to my doctor and he told me to stop tracking. I read too much. I stressed too much. My body needed love. He prescribed 3 medications. I'm borderline pre diabetic. I have anxiety and depression. I grow a beard (and don't want to as a female). For a year I've watched, waited, and focused on self love. 343. 342. 343. 341. 342. 340. 339. 338. And pause. Self love. Take your pills, let it go. Focus on your sweet children. Breathe. 338. 336. 338. 336. 335. 334. That's where I am now, and I can see and feel the habits coming back. My obsession with the number, counting every calorie. HOW CAN I BE 334 POUNDS AND COUNT EVERY CALORIE?! Fear and questions become my obsession. They say I need to eat 3300 calories every day to maintain that. My doctor says to get to 2400. I just need to let go. Give it time. Is it healthy? If I can keep it about self love and positive change and not about ripping into myself and tearing myself down.
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