CROUCHINGFLEA
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Let It Go/Midnight Ramblings

Sunday, June 09, 2019

Song by Tenth Avenue North, excerpt from beginning of song:

I've been holding on so tight
Look at these knuckles they've gone white
From fighting for who I want to be
I'm just trying to find security

But you say let it go
You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the one's who lose control
You say You will be everything I need
You say if I lose my life it's then I'll find my soul
You say let it go

This is what I need to remember as I start and continue on this journey of finding myself. Losing the weight was a huge first step, I still have a ways to go in the weight loss department, but have made a lot of progress. It has helped me to realize that there is more I need to do, but I'm realizing that I'm holding on too tight. I'm trying to be too controlling, I think. I want results, and i want them now, and that is not how this works. Things take time, as I should well know by now. Having chronic illnesses makes everything harder, slower and at the same time somehow sweeter when you finally accomplish something.

On my PTSD group I found this 21 day challenge posted a while back:

loveandmarriageblog.com/
11-day-anxiety-challenge/


And I think I'm going to start it on Monday. I would today, Sunday, but it is my rest day, and my planning day, and I don't want to start something new on this day. I am starting a 10 minutes of movement challenge today, I've sent out a few invites, but all are welcome to join, I don't know how to send invites to everyone, so please feel free to hop over and join if you want to!

One of the big things I've found I am lacking is self confidence. I don't believe in myself at all. I've been told all my life that I was worthless, could do nothing right, etc. I'm choosing to not believe those lies. It is hard to get rid of those past voices telling me I'm unable, but I'm fighting the lies with God's truth, and I know that I will eventually start to believe in myself. I just have to do it, whether I a am afraid or not. That is courage. That is bravery. Doing something, even though you are scared. That is what I'm trying to do. It is hard. Just like losing the weight. I think I'm stalled out because I started getting compliments and even had some guys flirt with me. It made me afraid. My fat was a wall of protection. But I don't need it. I'm safe now. I can let it go. The question is, will I? I think so. I'm moving forward, and trying to deal with the roadblocks and bumps as they come along.

I've got a lot going on, a lot of changes happening all at once, plus dealing with chronic illnesses and trying to train my service dog in training (that is mostly on hold till she is out of heat, end of June). I'm trying to keep my kids busy, teach them what I can, and get them into healthy routines that they fought all school year long and I didn't have the energy to work on because my illnesses were acting up so bad. Plus taking care of myself, get myself into healthy routines, all that jazz.

Lots going on, lots to think about. Lots to do. I'm trying not to let it overwhelm me, but it does at times. I'm writing down everything I need to do, everything that is swimming around in my mind as it comes to me, in one huge list, called a 'brain dump'. Once I feel like I've got it all out I will organize and prioritize it. For now I'm working on getting the house clean and decluttered.

Okay, enough midnight ramblings, now that I've got all that out maybe I'll be able to sleep!!

~Flea
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