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Saturday, June 08, 2019

That is what I'm trying to do. I don't feel strong. Not in the least. I know I am. I've made it through so much in my life, yet here I am, still standing. I may have broken a few times, but I have not stayed that way, I've put myself back together, or rather, God has put me back together.

I'm unhappy. Things seem pointless. I know they are not, but try telling that to yourself you you are depressed and spiraling. I'm doing all that I can to pull myself out of this.

I read an article that said when you don't know what direction you want your life to go in, imagine you are in a rowboat, and there is a lighthouse in the distance. All you can see is the light, you can't see the shore, or the actual lighthouse, but you know that light is your destination, all you need to do is keep slowly rowing, on stroke at a time, toward the lighthouse, until things become more clear.

Not knowing is causing all kinds of anxiety. But I'm trying to maintain and calm myself, remembering that God has a plan for me and He will help me see what I need to do in His time, not mine. For now, all I can do is row. Focus on the light. And pray, a lot.

I'm trying to get started on a book called Do It Scared. She has a workbook I've printed, a test to see what your main fear types are, and a bunch of podcasts to go along with the book. I've been putting it off, but today I'm going to sit down and do the first section of the workbook. I'm going to make the time to do it.

I'm also going to do what is called a brain dump. It will probably take me all day or all weekend to do. You take a sheet of paper or do it on the computer (I'm a pen and paper kind of gal) and write out all those things swimming around in your head. Whatever it may be. Write it all out. Take a break. Come back whenever you think of anything else and write it out too. Don't' wait or you might forget. Then, when you feel you have your head cleared and it is all written or typed out, you come back and organize and prioritize. You might end up with several lists, like home improvement, things to buy, decluttering, etc, then you list them in order of what needs to be done first on each list.

Today I'm also going to work out for the first time in a while. My cold is still hanging around, but is on it's way out, so it will be mainly stretching and a short, light walk on the treadmill. I've been meaning to get to stretching/yoga all week, but I've been feeling too awful to get around to it. Today I'm going to make time.

Today is also 'pamper day' and 'game day'. These are things I mainly have set up for the kids, we have a themed day, every day of the week, we ended up busy on pamper day, so we moved it to today. I'm going to partake as well. I need to start taking better care of myself. I tend to put myself last, and it has gotten to the point where other people expect me to do so, to put them first and ignore my own needs. Not going to happen any more. I need to work on boundaries. It's going to be hard, and I'm going to have to go about it slowly and carefully, but it needs to be done.

I'm going to try to work on a routine, something that will actually work for me, I'm not going to write out anything concrete, as that has never worked for me in the past, but just start working on things I want to get done in the morning/afternoon/evening and start doing them. Then I will write down things that are working for me and go from there. I am a work in progress, so it will take time. I've discovered that if I sleep in, I am a mess for the rest of the day, so I set an an alarm for at least 6 AM, but I'm usually up before that. This includes weekends. During the school year I usually get up at 4 AM. I'm hoping I won't have to do that this next school year. But I like being up for a while for 'me time' before I get the kids up.

Making me a priority is going to be hard. I'm so used to not doing that. Finding what makes me happy is going to be hard too, because I just don't know. That may seem weird to some people, but it is what it is. I'm going to go have some more coffee and work on my book/workbook for a while. Then I'll wake the kiddos and get the day going. They are going to be working out with me every day because, while they are not overweight by any means, they are not in shape at all. Game Day may have to be delayed. I tried all year to get them to clean their rooms and finally had enough and gave them the deadline of tomorrow to get their rooms clean. So, they may end up having to clean their rooms today, because even though they have had over a week and constant reminds and times set aside, their rooms are still messes. Monday, I will go through and clean whatever is left, and if I have to clean it, it goes bye-bye. Depending on what it is, either in a box till I deem they can take care of it, or to be donated/thrown away.

Hope you have a good Saturday, and remember to do something nice for yourself today!!

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    Baby steps, don't overwhelm yourself. I am praying for you! emoticon
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