Friday, June 07, 2019
Feeling slow today. I talked way to much to Aunt G, she is not good at not sharing things with other people, but I really super emphasized that she is NOT to share any of what we discussed with other people. But it made me realize just how much some of this stuff is really on my mind.
I feel like I'm at a dead end. I'm not happy.
Now I don't want you to get me wrong. I am happy with many things in my life. I love my husband, and would never consider leaving him! I love my children, they are my heart (even though they are hormonal now and testing my last nerves, lol). It's me I'm unhappy with. My life. I had big dreams and small dreams when I was young. I grew up thinking that, like on television my parents would pay for college for me. That became clear that it would not happen when my oldest sister was unable to go to college, and became a drug addict and teen Mom. No more history lessons there, it's too much. So, tired of working in factories at age 19, I signed up to join the Air Force and joined shortly after I turned 20.
It was a new world to me, having grown up in a backwoods small TN town. I was a medical admin, and assigned to a base in AL. My 'wishlist' of bases to go to were all overseas, and they sent me back to the South. LOL. But, if they had not I would not have my family now, so I'm not complaining. I left the AF after 8 years because if I had re-upped, it would have been right as my youngest DD turned 6 weeks old, which is when your maternity leave is over, and I had been informed I would be deploying the next week if I stayed in. There is more to it than that, of course, but the main thing is that I had put being Mom before being an Airman, and I could not leave my baby at home to not know me for almost a year, at that young of an age. I know many do, but for me, being a Mom was more important.
Growing up, one of my many dreams of things I wanted to be was a stay at home Mom. I've had that dream since I left the Air Force when my youngest was 6 weeks old, in 2008. I homeschooled for a while, but we decided to put them in public school a few years ago. They are thriving and both are very intelligent, I'm very proud. But I feel like being a stay at home Mom to kids that are in school most of the day is... depressing at times. I'm not the best at homemaking, even though I usually am very detail oriented, I've had trouble for years because of my disabilities keeping the house clean and organized and the haven I want it to be for my family. And I think that one of the reasons is that I am dissatisfied. Or bored. I need more structure to my day, but I need a feeling of accomplishment as well.
But, I still have that one question: what do I want to be when I grow up? I have no idea. There was a test that my therapist wanted me to take that is supposed to show your interests in detail what kind of jobs you would be good at and enjoy, but it is like $70 and I don't have extra money to spend on it. Plus reading it, it didn't look at all like what she described. So, I'm going to work on finding what I love on my own.
I'm nervous. I'm on disability, I can't drive for a while longer (medical reasons) and am agoraphobic, so would want to take mostly online classes... but I have worries about that because I'm a procrastinator. Like I said, I need more structure in my life. And the only way it is going to get there is if I put it there. I'm trying, but dealing with illnesses makes it hard. We are working on getting what we can under control, I would not take any classes until they are under enough control that I could be consistent enough to not waste money on classes that i would not be able to commit to.
There is a lot going on right now that is making me dissatisfied that I have no control over. I need to concentrate on what I can control and go from there. There is a lot more to it that that, I've oversimplified it, but I don't want to go into details.
But I have a lot to be happy for. I've lost 100 pounds (gained 7 back, but TOM and emotional stuff did that and I've no doubt I can get it back off quickly). I'm changing my diet and have eliminated a lot of bad for you stuff from my diet. I can't even remember the last time I had a soda! I need to work on exercising, I'm still sick, but I think I'm almost over this stupid cold and will be able to start on Monday (fingers crossed).
But I have this feeling like my life has lost focus, I need to find a focus, what I want to do, what is my purpose. What is something that will drive me, and make me want to get up in the morning again. Like I said, I'm happy with many things in my life, but I also feel like the life is being sucked out of me most of the time. Part of it could be that I may be entering a Bipolar depression, those suck and will suck the life out of you. But this 'aha' moment of me realizing that I need more in my life, and need to do something for me is something that my therapist says she is so glad I have finally realized, she has been waiting for me to come to this conclusion for a while.
I feel kinda overwhelmed. Again, that could be the depression talking, but there is so much to think about. I need to do a brain dump (where you just write, everything that comes to mind that you want to do, comes to mind, everything, so it is on paper and no longer floating around in your head. Then you leave it for a while, write more as it comes, and then go back and organize and prioritize what came out).
Anyway, I'll stop now. Hope you have a great weekend.