Let's Be Upfront and Honest
Wednesday, May 22, 2019
This is me. I'm not the literal beauty queen that my mother was before she had children. (P.S. She's still pretty.)
I've been through some things. I've been abused in unimaginable ways by numerous people. I've been homeless and hungry. I've been suicidal. Maybe my body shows my trauma more than my face does. She's been through a lot. Yet she keeps up the best she can.
I have PTSD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, Anorexia, and Binge Eating Disorder. I weigh an extra 100 pounds. I have a BS in Psychology and Anthropology.
People would call me sweet, kind, loving, and smart. I've heard beautiful and as of recent, I started to hear sexy too. (Thanks, Boo-Boo.)
It's really hard to see myself as anything but a mess. I try my best to be kind and loving but sometimes I feel like I'm playing at it instead of actually achieving true sweetness. I feel like I'm compromising what's best for me in order to serve others. I'm starting to learn to take back those little things that I need. It's an ongoing journey and frankly, hassle.
I feel fat. Yeah, let's just get that out of the way here. I'm curves, lumps, and lots of bumps. My partner-in-crime thinks my curves are ah-mazing. He's so wonderful. He even asked me to shake my booty like Shakira last nite.
I digress... My rolls are creeping over my pants. That sucks. For the last year or so I've been able to keep my rolls down enough so they can be easily disguised. It appears that they've made a break for it. My arms are also super saggy. I feel frustrated because I don't know what to do. I don't want to feel this way. It's great that he thinks I'm hot and people think I'm adorable but I want to feel like I'm something to myself too. If that makes any sense?
I'm here to try to gain control over my wayward body and life.