Day 12 Be Brave
Wednesday, May 22, 2019
Today is about being brave. It's about having enough courage to say things or be the person that even the closest of fam/friends won't like.
If we aren't our genuine selves, we cannot really meet our goals. We may accomplish some things, but not to a level of real acceptance and happiness. I've lost weight before, but the unhappiness was still there. Because I thought I had to please someone.
Once I lost about 70 pounds, and my dad took me aside at Christmas and told me how beautiful I was and how proud he was and how he wished I would inspire my mom to lose weight. I don't think he ever spoke of me like that before.
Once I gained it back, there was never a talk about my beauty. He was proud of other things, but not my beauty.
My happiness is not about how the world will see me when I lose weight. My happiness will come from really controlling my triggers, saying no, being me, embracing my contradictions, and being brave in the face of fam/friends.
Being brave makes my goals attainable. Accepting that I might not make everyone happy, I might have a hiccup here and there, knowing that I am hard to live with sometimes, gives me permission to move on being me and just me.
Being brave will help me when I travel to my hometown to see family. There's so much judgement that I can feel the tension in the air.
I know that some fam isn't happy that I don't attend church. I do a Bible study with my best friend, and I do my best to follow my faith. I don't do organized religion. I have my reasons. I don't make a fuss when they pray out loud at family gatherings about they wish I would attend church. They can say what they want. They are being their true selves. I am being my true self.
There's talk about my weight. Always. It's interesting. I've never said to my fam or in-laws, "Hey, you are fat. What are we gonna do about you?". I have never said anything about my SIL crappy ass makeup and hairdo. She's doing her thing. But man, the moment I mentioned I had seen Alice Cooper in concert, there was a huge "Oh please say you didn't do that!". It was as if I had said I had drowned kittens for fun. I am beyond tired of hearing about how gorgeous my face is and how it's a shame I can't lose weight. AGHHHHHHHHHH!
My grandmother asked me once where I bought clothes that size. And then she asked my husband what he fed me. Like I wasn't even there. I said nothing to her - because I was worried about hurting her feelings. Screw my feelings.
At a family reunion, I was told "boy, you are really fat." Yep. I didn't say anything. Just took it.
Not anymore. My happiness matters.
I am gonna continue to be brave, and make it a point to be my genuine self. Being brave in a step of being okay with being you. Self esteem is very important. Be brave and be you. Make your goals and stick to them.