Thursday, May 09, 2019
Last month I wrote this journal entry for myself. But though Spark would be a good place to share it as I’m sure there are others that can relate.
In late April I had a quick flash back of the first time I hit 100 pounds on the scale. I was a child. Still in elementary school. My mom was in the room and I remember her being surprised when the number popped up on the scale. I also remember her telling me that she wouldn’t tell my father....
I cant remember all of the exact details of that moment but apparently that memory has stuck with me. I remember feeling either reevaluate ashamed or really embarrassed. One of those two emotions... but looking back this memory now, I think it may have been one of the pivotal moments in my life of how I began to see myself and my relationship with my health. Hiding. Embarrassed. Being ashamed. ALWAYS keeping my weight a secret. Perfect example of that; My weight has never exactly matched my ID card. Lol.
What brought on this memory was me reflecting on my newest weight/health goals that Ive set for myself. One of which is to stop looking at the mountain of weight I need to loose and break it down in to smaller more attainable goals that I can actually meet. I’m a sensitive flower sometimes and I need encouragement. And I need affirmation. And sometimes I just need a GD win to keep myself going....
So I’ve established that my first goal is to loose 35 pounds. Something I know I can do and have done before, but this specific goal serves 3 purposes for me:
- For once in my life I’d like to truly match the weight description on my ID
- Get myself under 300 pounds. This is a huge one for me as I have never been under 300 pounds as an adult. And as a youth if I was under that it was because I was on my way up the scale. (UPDATE: I wrote this note on 4/24 but as of today 5/8 I crossed this threshold! 299!)
- Prove to myself that I can focus my energy and actually accomplish something by take my huge goals and breaking them down
- I’m hoping this will help boost my confidence in general as I’d like to better use this approach for my Pure Romance business.
Every day it’s a struggle for me to make good, healthy choices and have a healthy and emotionally detached relationship with food. But when I feel positive and like I’m making a change in my life rather than being on a diet, it makes my decisions to be/eat healthier more natural. And when it fees more natural, if i do indulge, then I don’t feel as guilty. I don’t focus on the nutritional slip up and then end up binge eating the day away. (Anyone who’s ever been on a “diet” knows what I’m talking about! Lol) I have indulged a couple of times over the last month but the weight is still slowly coming off. And that’s really motivating for me to keep me on this same path.
We don’t have to let the memories and emotions of our youth define us but I’m grateful for this little flash back as it has helped me put a few things in perspective. I still battle with that voice inside my head that tells me awful, nasty and mean things, she’s been a long time companion, but I’m ready to silence that b!tch one pound and healthy decision at a time.
Love and peace,