Being kind, rewind...
Sunday, May 05, 2019
Being kind to others has always been high on my list of goals. But I am sometimes brutal towards myself. I remember writing a story in grade school “It’s Good To Be Kind!” It was about a girl who abused her “favorite” doll, and still expected the doll’s devotion to her. The doll spoke up and told the girl she didn’t like being mistreated. I had a brother a year older than me who bullied me constantly, punched or kicked me when he passed me, was verbally abusive, etc.
Nowadays that kind of story would send out a warning signal to those in charge. It does make me laugh when I picture the doll coming to life and posting her little plastic fists on her hips. Indignant and completely animated. It was me in a doll’s body stating what it oughta’ be.
I learned to mistreat myself because of this, and my parents’ lack of response to it. “You have to learn how to protect yourself” was my mother’s response. I could not. I felt they didn’t care, and therefore I had no value. And I didn’t want to be mean and sadistic like him. Finally, what I did was to “play dead”. I stopped acknowledging him and went dead and expressionless when he hit me. Fortunately this was effective.
WARRIORSUE’s excellent self-exploratory blogs have led me to re-examine my thinking and try to catch myself beating myself up inside my head. Many times a day, I stop and reframe my thinking. Like “You are horrible, lazy, and defective!” becomes “You are a lovely and intelligent woman who is picking on herself again. This is a habit of long standing with no actual basis in current reality.” Then I breathe deeply and and try to flip around my thoughts. As in “You never clean things and let everything go!” to “I can go set up a cleaning caddy and put in 15 minutes wiping down the bathroom right now.” (Thanks, FlyLady)
Or, what can I do to look at things freshly?