SUSMANNIE
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the never ending struggle with mood disorders

Tuesday, March 26, 2019

I miss my Spark friends, but need to use this as a journal. Don't want to be a downer or be criticized.

Just was reading a blog where "my parents weren't exactly cheerleaders" was written. Mine were cheerleaders. From Hell. Not really, they fed and clothed me, but I feel sometimes that I raised myself. I had no one to tell my problems to. No one seemed to advise. Oh well. Maybe I was better off that they left me to my own ministrations. I do still resent the fact that they allowed my crazy brother to bully me and push me around. And that they allowed him to live with us as a teenager when his attending psychiatrist told them he should be hospitalized for family safety.

I felt like no one cared, that I didn't matter. Then when I became severely depressed as a young teenager, they let me go on like that. Yelled at me, "Snap out of it. You're just trying to get attention." I hate them for that.

When I did finally get help and partly Snapped Out of It, little did I know that it would become a lifetime pattern and liability.

I don't know how to drop things. I don't know how to let things go. I try to, but as I have progressed in life, I've seen more and more the residual damage my upbringing has done to me.

Trying to get bad feelings out, write out my feelings. Trying to get feeling better since my recent feelings of depression.

I tell myself, "Just Keep Moving!" And that is what I do.
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