Monday, March 25, 2019
Excavated another sector of my brain junk over the weekend. Hubby and I had a long, long talk about a bunch of stuff that we had been postponing talking about - for example, he brought up something that he had 'held on to' for ten years!. It ended well, and we both acknowledged that maybe we're not so good at this 'communication' thing after all, lol - and we agreed that we will work on fixing that.
One of my big AHA moments this weekend was seeing the patterns that I have lived over and over in my life. I tend to have a 'victim' mentality and I let my 'victim' status keep me hidden -- hidden even from myself -- it seemed too painful to look deeply into "WHY" I do the things I do and why I keep getting caught in the same problems and patterns.
But I've started to look at them and I see the common factor (me) - yes, all those situations - and people - over the years weren't nice, but *I* am the common factor - I allowed people to treat me improperly or I allowed myself to not feel worthy of something better. (it's hard to explain and I don't want to start going into a lot of detail because it's not the details that matter) I sort of took on the role of victim in my own life and have lived it for a long time -- long after it stopped serving me. When I was a child it was necessary, perhaps, to 'survive', but seriously, it's at least a few decades overdue for change.
The victim role (and the other roles) that I took on completely obscured the 'real' me. To the point that I don't even know who I am without these roles. As with the excess weight that obscures my body, I have lost sight of what's been buried underneath all the layers of 'fake' me.
I want to acknowledge the fakes - they served me when i needed them, but I also want to kindly tell them 'goodbye'. Now I just want to Be Real. I don't pretend it will be instantaneous but it will be rewarding.