Self Defeat

I'm doing a lot of defeatist activity lately.

I'm emotionally eating. I'm not accomplishing personal projects. I'm moderately depressed and all I seem to want to do is watch Netflix and play games on my phone.

I'm looking for a new job because I'm miserable here. Mostly boredom. I've been here almost 10 years and it hasn't been challenging to me for some time. I don't see that happening any time soon either. I'm trying to hire an employee so when I inevitably get an offer for a better job I won't leave my boss in the lurch.

I keep telling myself I should write more blogs on A Measured Life, or work on the podcast I want to do, or work on my cookbook, but I always just wind up sitting on my ass on my couch watching Netflix and probably overeating because I'm tired or sad or something.

Self-hate talk that floats through my brain:

No one reads your blog, what's the point? No one will listen to your podcast either and it's not like you'll ever get your cookbook published unless you pay out the nose to self publish. Plus you're not interesting enough for anyone to care. You're a nobody. Why should they care?

I have a few friends who are always my cheerleaders, even if we don't talk much. A friend of mine said this to me yesterday:



I burst into tears. People say nice things to me these days and I just lose it. But he's right. I'm defeating myself. If I can be successful in one thing... I will regain some confidence.