Fantasy - it's all in my head
Wednesday, February 13, 2019
Uncovering my false thinking is tough - something in me doesn't want to face reality so I'm mentally kicking and screaming whenever I start to expose a 'lie' that I've been living. I'm just getting started and I know I have a long way to go.
Making a commitment to believe that 'This year will be the best year of my life (so far)" seems so fake and foreign - my old 'let's just drift along and not to exert myself too hard" way of thinking doesn't like being shown the door.
But it's a fantasy to think that my current patterns will lead anywhere - in the last few years I've gone around and around and around the same mountain. Lose 10 pounds, gain 15. Lose 20 pounds, gain 10. Lose 5 pounds, gain 20. In the last 10 years I've easily lost 200 pounds - a little here and a little there -- and gained it all back.
I *know* that I have to change my thinking, let go of old ways -- in my head, I can acknowledge the truth of it -- but still something doesn't want to let go. It's a battle that has to be waged every day.
Like when I was reaching for the cookies late last night
I caught myself after I'd already had too many -- but I did catch it. And I told myself that eating cookies is not how I will get back the old me that I have buried under 100 pounds of flab. Eventually I'll get to a point where cookies won't be in the house but I'm not there yet - I've tried the 'extremes' of getting rid of 'bad' food and it always makes me rebel. I need to find a way to stop rebelling and live peacefully with cookies. The reality is that cookies will not help me achieve want I want to achieve -- and it's not the cookies that are the problem. It's my thinking that is the problem.
The fantasy is that things will just 'magically' change 'some day' because I 'want' them to - and the reality is that it is the choices I make every day that will move me forward.
I choose me.