Sunday, February 03, 2019
2019 I vowed it to be the year I take care of me. The year I stop accepting the unacceptable and make myself and my feelings a priority.
In November - I decided I was going to leave my 13-year relationship. I wasn't sure how to address it. I internalized it for at least a month. I was going to just make the move without any indication but it killed me inside. My emotions were all over the place. On December 4th, I finally told him. It was so hard to do and he broke down. He accepted responsibility for why I had come to the decision and we were going to discuss things further at a later time. That following Sunday, we sat down and he asked me to stay for a few months longer, so he could try to fix things. From that day on, I have been tracking things (his actions and words) daily to see if there is a real attempt and while there are glimpses here and there, overall, nothing has changed.
I promised that I would stay until March. Emotionally, I'm already checked out. I've been packing things here and there and I've made the decision to put in my application for a new place at the end of the month. I hope to be able to gradually move during the month of March. I don't believe that there will be any hostility or negativity. We agreed that if we tried that we can end on a good note and that there wouldn't be any hard feelings. I hope this will be true.
I tried to address things last weekend (just letting him know that I have not seen changes) and what I got was excuses. I don't know why I'm blogging this. I guess I feel like I need to release my feelings. I have a few friends that I talk to but sometimes I feel like I burden them with this. At the end of the day, I just want to be happy. I'm so sad and unhappy in this relationship. I have this anxiety all the time and I just need to release it, and I wholeheartedly believe that will happen when I can finally move on. I know it will be hard but it will be worthwhile.
I'm really ready for this month to be over so I can just move on.