Losing In Order To Lose
Sunday, January 27, 2019
I have mentioned I was here years ago.
This place gave me support and energy to become successful in my weight loss goals. I managed to keep the weight off for 11 years, only fluctuating 2-3 pounds, in all that time.
I lost my way when my husband was diagnosed in July of 2015, with 3rd stage C cancer. I gained 12 pounds in 6 months. Then in Feb of 2017, he was diagnosed with FTD. I lost 7-8 pounds in six weeks, trying to get my mind around the fact my husband was going to die from the worst possible disease. As family and friends began to be absent in our lives, and isolation kicked in, I started putting on more weight. I went from 128 in March of 2016 to 159 in Dec of 2018.
In this span, I held my mom’s hand in July of 2016 as she passed away, and held 3 of my 4 beautiful dogs in my arms as they crossed the bridge, the last one was my constant companion and hero. He protected me when the FTD made my husband violent and let me cry into his neck when I was desolate and grieving the life I once knew. When he died in my arms this past October, I wanted to die. For 19 years straight, I had thes dogs in my life. Now I have only the 4th one left, TuTanka and she is blind, deaf and has dementia. She will be 14 this April and soon she will leave me too...
I have only a granddaughter who has stayed thru the madness that this type of dementia my husband has, brings on. Every other family member is MIA. I only have me to be here and see this journey with my husband, thru. So in order to live to be here for him when he is dying, I have to lose the weight. My blood pressure spiked to stroke level and even meds are having trouble controlling it. I have a few other health issues, brought on by stress, anxiety, and depression.
So I am working on losing , only to lose someone physically from this earth. Losing to lose, is a sad and lonely journey, especially when my best friend and my cheering section are now only here in my heart🐾🐾🌹🐾🐾Kasa, Shadow, and my beautiful boy Phoenix- I am doing this for me and in honor of all of you keeping me from giving up.