_COSMOPAULATAN_
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W17 - Summary

Sunday, January 27, 2019

It was a surprising week weight-wise. Especially in the last two days, I've felt like I've eaten beyond my level of hunger and gotten to a point where my tummy was upset (I'm still re-learning what "enough" feels and tastes like, and my satiety cues are not completely tuned in at the moment). It was pleasant surprise to see a loss.

I had the second week of the Intuitive Eating and Body Acceptance class. As I discussed with my therapist, I am just going to get what I get out of the class. I was able to talk about feeling triggered last week, and challenging the idea that the body positive movement and Health At Every Size is mutually exclusive from still wanting to be in a healthier, smaller body - FOR ME. It's something I have brought up with my therapist, and she agrees - if this weight and size isn't where I feel most comfortable living my life, and I am demonstrating healthy behaviors and mindset, then wanting to lose weight to the point where I am happier with my size/body/appearance can be part of my overall goal to works towards. If my behaviors or mindset become disordered again, or I reengage in disordered behavior, or I make losing weight my primary focus at the expense of everything else... then it is not ok. FOR ME. Everyone is different.

I've been moving less lately. It got brutally cold out (think -XX temps and "feels like" temperatures) and I don't have the proper clothing to stay in that weather for an extended period of time. If the sun is out, shorter walks are still feasible but it's not been super cooperative as of late. Overall, I've had a good month of movement. I want to keep moving forward with it from a consistency basis, and just get to spring already so there isn't too much weather-wise that will keep me from being outdoors. I've continued my internal debate about joining a gym, but at this point I am arguing "what's another month or two?" to save some cash. I still have the on-demand BollyX classes I can do in my basement (though not ideal given it is carpet).

I've been thinking a lot about starting to run again. Not that I ever stopped thinking about running in the past 7 years from the point I stopped. When I went to visit the ortho about my knees in the fall last year, she gave me the green light for my knee health but told me that my hips and glutes were weak and needed strengthening if I intended on successfully running in the future. She gave me the all-clear for PT when I was ready to start, and I'm thinking that may help bridge me into the spring... work on strength now, so I can work on the harder stuff when the time comes - getting over the mental fear about starting to run again. Lots to think about.

The other thing about running is while I was very autonomous, and liked it that way, I was also very motivated/driven by the numbers... did I get a PR? did I run faster or slower? did I run X MPH? I don't want to derail with numbers for the sake of learning to run again. It's something I need to take into serious consideration. Running for the sake of running? Is that even possible?

I'm nervous and a bit curious about what happens from here. I'm basically back at the upper end of a 10-pound range where I sat for years, fluctuating up and down the same 10 pounds. Acknowledging the almost-20 pound weight loss will require me to take stock of what has changed behavior-wise for me. It's a bit depressing reading this intuitive eating book and diet studies... basically, we have all screwed ourselves over from participating in diet culture and it is a difficult thing for your body to unlearn. What else is becoming ridiculously clear is that I have been trying to control my body for most of my life, for various reasons, but I've actually never been in charge - it has. The wisdom of the body is a real thing... we think we are clever eating less or moving more, but the body will compensate if it isn't getting enough of something. I look back on my experiences and see how true this is.

I guess one thing I am taking away from this intuitive eating class is that I cognitively know a lot, but I don't know everything and my body is in a better position to tell me what to eat, when to eat, and how much to eat than trying to follow a precise caloric formula. It's REALLY hard letting go of years and years of gathering and applying information. For the last two weeks, I haven't been counting or recording calories. I spent the first couple of months experimenting and titrating down the amount of food that it took to satisfy me, so generally I feel like I am in an ok place. And quite frankly, I was burned out from tracking every single thing I ate. It's no way to live in the long run.

I digress. I am trying to make space for what works for now, and let go of what doesn't work the way it used to AND not judge myself for it. I legitimately feel less crazy than any of the other times I've attempted to lose weight, and feel like I am putting in the least amount of effort I have... but it is still effort, and it is gentle and slow.

So here's to Gentle and Slow.

W17: -1.2# (total - 19.2#)
W16: -0.6# (total -18.0#)
W15: -0.4# (total -17.4#)
W14: -2.0# (total -17.0#)
W13: +2.0# (total -15.0#)
W12: -1.2# (total - 17.0#)
W11: - 2.2# (total -15.8#)
W10: -1.2# (total -13.6#)
W9: -1.8# (total -12.4#)
W8: -0.4# (total -10.6#)
W7: -1.2# (total -10.2#)
W6: +0.6# (total - 9.0#)
W5: -3.0# (total -9.6#)
W4: +0.2# (total -6.6#)
W3: -1.4# (total - 6.8#)
W2: -3.6# (total -5.4#)
W1: -1.8# (total -1.8#)
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • TRENTDREAMER
    "I was able to talk about feeling triggered last week, and challenging the idea that the body positive movement and Health At Every Size is mutually exclusive from still wanting to be in a healthier, smaller body - FOR ME."
    * That has been an extremely tough conversation to have for a LOOOOONG time.

    "I've been moving less lately. It got brutally cold out (think -XX temps and "feels like" temperatures) and I don't have the proper clothing to stay in that weather for an extended period of time. "
    * emoticon Winter sucks.

    "What else is becoming ridiculously clear is that I have been trying to control my body for most of my life, for various reasons, but I've actually never been in charge - it has. "
    * Yeah, the fight sometimes seems like it will never end.

    "so generally I feel like I am in an ok place. And quite frankly, I was burned out from tracking every single thing I ate. It's no way to live in the long run. "
    * Amen

    "So here's to Gentle and Slow. "
    * Congrats on your progress


    113 days ago
  • MT-MOONCHASER
    emoticon I think you are doing a pretty good job of self-analysis and are becoming much more self-aware, which is a very good thing.

    Keep up with the good work!! Onward and downward...

    emoticon
    113 days ago
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