The struggle is real
Friday, January 25, 2019
I have struggled with health (women) issues since I was sixteen which in turn led to weight gain and just not feeling good about myself. I have to admit the not feeling good about myself has always been an issue. I had horrible teeth as a child and being poor my parents could never afford to have braces put on my teeth so I internalized a lot of what I was feeling and acted like it didn't bother me that my teeth looked horrible and that I was never asked on a date because of the way I looked. All of this had led me to be a introvert who really has no idea how to act socially, doesn't make friends easily, has a hard time talking to people I've just met and has ended up being single my entire life because I didn't think I was pretty enough to attract anyone's attention. I don't make friends easily and while I don't have a lot of friends the ones I do have I have been friends with forever who overlook my idiosyncrasies and just drag me along with them when they go do something. After graduating from high school I got a part time job, before starting college in the fall, and went to a local dentist who worked with me on payments and I was able to get braces and fix my teeth. While I thought getting braces had helped with my self esteem issues it has taken me almost 30 years to realize I still have self esteem issues and I still tend to stay to myself and never really go outside my comfort zone. I have to admit that losing the weight has made me feel better about myself and while I feel more confident I still have a long ways to go. One of the things I love to do is go hiking but I don't like to go by myself so I just wouldn't go. I decided this year I was going to step outside my comfort zone and quit making excuses for not doing something I like because I didn't have anyone to go with or I was afraid of meeting new people. One of my friends suggested looking on Facebook and seeing if there was a local hiking group I could meet up with to go hiking. I found a group and I am happy to say that I actually have my first group hike scheduled for February 17th in the Wichita Mountains and while I'm not terrified of meeting new people I am definitely anxious. I said all this to say that we can lose the weight, learn to eat healthier and learn to exercise but if you don't take care of the mental as well as the physical you are apt to just end up back where you started. I have made some strides in the self esteem and coming out of my shell area but the struggle is real every day. Being home alone this week I realized that my life has devolved into taking care of my mom, because I'm the only single child, who really has no life outside of work and taking care of my mom. I want to be the self confident person who has no problem making friends and doing things by herself but I worry that at 50 years old I might be too old to learn new tricks. I hope this group hike in February will help me to realize that I don't have to be the introvert who stays at home because she's afraid of doing something by herself and for herself.