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W16 - Summary

Sunday, January 20, 2019

It's hard to believe it's been 16 weeks since I started paying attention again. I can also tell it's 16 weeks because I'm losing steam for the calorie counting and tracking - diet behavior. This week, I started an 8-week intuitive eating and body appreciation class. I can tell it is going to challenge me - in good ways - because I still have angst when it comes to other people's opinions about food - mine or theirs. I felt super triggered after the first class, and it was hard to come down. It will be an interesting experiment to assess how far I've come, and how far I have yet to go... as if there is ever a stopping place.

The instructor of the class brought up to body positive community, and all the work that it is doing to change the conversation around bodies portrayed in the media, specifically those who identify as one of the "F" or "O" words. She talked about this class operating from a place of body respect because that is the starting place to get to body love. I totally disagreed, and I told her. Starting at body respect, for some people including myself, is an impossible ask. While I might not hate my body, or parts of my body, I most certainly don't jump from hate to respect. Ever since I took my 16-week body image class, I've been working on operating from a place of body neutrality. Not feeling anything towards my body is most certainly better than feeling hatred towards it. One of the participants agreed with me, and said sometimes she has to say "I have knees" instead of "I hate my knees". We have these pieces of our body - acknowledging their existence without emotion is completely possible.

So for me? Body hatred > Body neutrality > Body respect > Body acceptance > Body love

It will be important for me to speak my truth in this class to help solidify my thought processes, which are mine alone, but may also help others recognize there are multiple versions of ways to look at things.

I had two different people this week tell me that they can tell I've been losing weight. For this moment in time, I didn't self-sabatoge. Maybe because not everything is hinging on my calorie count for the day. I've been listening to a ton of Food Psych podcasts, educating myself on the pervasiveness of diet culture, and realizing how insidious it is. It is everywhere, and that is sad. It's still embedded in some of my behaviors, but I'm working on it.

To be honest, divorcing the idea of losing weight from intuitive eating is hard for me. I wrestle with the idea of being this size for the remainder of my existence. I also recognize I feel a lot less crazy when I am not counting every calorie I eat or burn. Walking for the sake of walking? I never, ever did that before the past 4 months. It always had to have a purpose.

So I keep learning, and stretching, and working through the discomfort. This virtually-snowless winter has made it possible for me to walk outside all season, but it has started to feel like January as of late (-6 F) and it makes it harder to get out and get it done. This is where that gym membership would come in super handy if I had one. Maybe February...

W16: -0.6# (total -18.0#)
W15: -0.4# (total -17.4#)
W14: -2.0# (total -17.0#)
W13: +2.0# (total -15.0#)
W12: -1.2# (total - 17.0#)
W11: - 2.2# (total -15.8#)
W10: -1.2# (total -13.6#)
W9: -1.8# (total -12.4#)
W8: -0.4# (total -10.6#)
W7: -1.2# (total -10.2#)
W6: +0.6# (total - 9.0#)
W5: -3.0# (total -9.6#)
W4: +0.2# (total -6.6#)
W3: -1.4# (total - 6.8#)
W2: -3.6# (total -5.4#)
W1: -1.8# (total -1.8#)
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