It's a rope walk and the swamp is teeming with Gators!
Tuesday, January 15, 2019
Ever feel like this?
I think it's truth. When we think of all of the obstacles that we must face on a daily basis with this journey we call a *marathon*, sometimes all we can focus on are those gators. How can we possibly unlearn those bad habits. How do we keep those bad habits from nipping at our heels to outright knocking us in the murky waters? What happens when we fall in the water... because it WILL happen? How do we make progress from lip service to walking the walk? How can we fight our inner demons suggesting temptations to outright seeking to destroy what shred of hope we have left? To encourage the momentum yet not spend your life tied to a calorie tracking device? Find the time to let go and live life and enjoy those spontaneous moments that cannot be planned, tracked or made compatible with the *sprinting* side of change; telling yourself that it's ok. We must learn to live with and deal in a healthy fashion those moments lest we become shut-ins... because I've done that, too.
It'll be 12 years in July since I first found SP. I have had almost a dozen years to evaluate what worked and what didn't. And let me just say- that tight rope gets daunting as the years pass. You realize sooner than you thought that there needs to be not just a *lifestyle change* but a total mental re-education! That *normal* eaters have those spontaneous life moments and never think twice. Yet here I sit in the black and white mentality of trying to find some gray, let alone, the perfect shade. Knowing that unless I do something about my health and strength, I'm literally listening to a clock, tick. I finally know that I can't just *walk it off*, that these things will not heal- my body that is, unless I do something. I used to find it funny just how bad my joints were. All those sports and injuries years ago I guess add up! But I've had a dose of reality in conversations with doctors, physical therapists and older trainers recently that sort of took the laugh away. I'm 36. My joints and muscles respond to that of someone significantly older. Ouch. Really Ouch.
I no longer have the luxury of kick that can down the road and saving the journey for another year. I've had good reasons to not put in the effort. Two babies and living in 4 states in the last 6 years. It's hard finding time for yourself when you can't find the time to sleep or unpack boxes. But with bitter-sweet reality, my girls are old enough to sleep through the night now and entertain themselves for long stretches of time. We're settled in again and should be staying for a significant time period. Do I continue to ignore that rope? Do I sit back and only focus on the gators laying in wait? Or will I allow myself to see, even from a distance, what the other side has on it's shores? What could waiting over there in the Beyond?!
Do I let these last few precious years of my children's youngest selves go to waste? Continuing to sit on the sidelines while they play, climb and run? Do I dare try to mitigate the chronic fatigue that these illnesses cause knowing that in the short term it will be worse but eventually the veil will be lifted? How do I lose the weight with calorie restriction yet maintain the loss without it? I know I can't count forever- having eating disorder history makes it even more of a struggle. It seems that every where I look there is something looking to knock me off of the rope before I even take my first steps. My balance will be constantly tested at best.
I guess the thing that these 12 years have shown is that I know where more of the pitfalls hide. If you've ever been to Florida, or lived there like we have, you know that what is unseen is often more dangerous than what is. It's blind-faith that everything will work out for the better. That and, either I do or I don't. I can't stay here. Either it'll get worse or somehow get better. But it depends on if I am willing to traverse those dusty, tattered lines once more. It's going to take whole lot of extra graces from God and Saints storming heaven with prayers to be successful. I'd take a pedestrian bridge any day over a single rope.
Wish me luck!