Wow - It's been a long time
Sunday, January 06, 2019
It’s been several months since I’ve written. In truth, I’ve picked up my laptop a few times with the full intention of checking in and sharing some words of weight loss wisdom, but whenever I started writing, I stopped, closed the laptop and refocused on something else. I think that part of the reason why I wasn’t motivated, is because I didn’t want to come to terms with my failure. You see, this last year has been really tough and I’ve been struggling to maintain my healthy lifestyle. Between business travel, the holidays and some personal stressors - I’ve gained back about 15 pounds.
In the scheme of life, 15 pounds isn’t very much, but I worked really hard to get rid of them. To welcome they back to my ass really doesn’t feel very good. To put it out there and share my failure with the world also isn’t easy - but its part of my journey and I promised myself that I would share my trials and tribulations, no matter how difficult. This one took a little time, but it’s out there now and I feel an overwhelming sense of relief.
To know me is to understand that I am just as proud as I am strong and to tell you that I’ve gained weight isn’t easy for me. It makes me feel like a failure. It makes me realize that I became too comfortable and allowed myself small bites and tastes of things here an there. I rationalized each bite and when I realized the scale didn’t move when I indulged, I started to indulge a little bit more. When the scale moved upwards and I rationalized it away.
“It’s only a few pounds - you’ll take it off.”
“You’re allowed to have a little fun - don’t be so neurotic about it.”
“You’ll burn it off at the gym tomorrow.”
“I”m traveling on business this week - it’s OK to indulge a little bit. I’ve earned it.”
I stopped tracking my food and counting calories. I started eating more sugar. I even drank a little here and there. Before I knew it, the size 10 jeans that I was so proud of slipping into all those months ago got so tight that even laying on the bed to zip them up wasn’t an option. I just couldn’t breathe. UGH.
So, what did I do? I went to the store and bought more crap. I have more snacks and sugary food in my house today than I’ve had in years and although I’m not the only one who lives here - at the end of the day none of us need that junk in our bodies. I’ve become complacent with myself. I stopped weighing daily and loosened up so much that I lost my focus.
So here I am just a few days before 2019 and I am sitting here dreading the weight loss resolution again. I refuse to put it on my list because if I do, I know I will fail. Maintaining is so much harder than losing the weight. When I’m in weight loss mode, I’m focused and completely inflexible.
Learning how to balance flexibility with good health and the things I love to eat feels like being on a tight rope sometimes. If I lose focus, I lose my balance and eventually fall.
Getting back onto the tightrope after falling takes balancing your bruised pride with fostering the knowledge that you can do it. Its means nurturing yourself and realizing - ONCE AGAIN- that you’re worth it. It means swallowing your fears and facing them head on. It’s scary and the thought of failing is overwhelming, but at the end of the day - it can be done. I can learn to balance - it just takes time.
Realizing that being perfect isn’t realistic is also key. I’m human. You’re human. We are going to flounder sometimes. Just like falling off the tightrope - we have to get back on. If for nothing else, than to show ourselves that we can do it.
So, here I go again. I gained 15 pounds, but my goal is to lose 35. I need to finally get to my original goal weight - and I’m going to do it in 2019. There are some very exciting things on the horizon next year and I need to be in the best shape possible. I’ll share more as we head into the new year.
I commit to writing more often and keeping you posted on my journey. I look forward to it and hope that you’ll share yours on my facebook page - Healthy Momma Bee. There’s no better time to take care of you, us, me.
Everyday is day one. Again and again. Over and over. Day 1.
If I can do it. So can you!
Bee healthy. Bee happy.