Today is day 10 of waking up, drinking a glass of lemon water (before coffee!), and spending the time I stand there drinking that water (blech!) to journal, read a devotional, and put something in my God box.
I have managed to go from 210 pounds to just over 203 since I started that but the weight loss is not the only or most important thing that's changed. What has changed is my level of serenity. It has exponentially increased. I haven't binged in 3 days. I have been following a food plan finally (for the most part). Friday night I had an unplanned sugar free caramel cappuccino and yesterday I had unplanned peanut butter (a hundred calories worth) with my apple, but other than that I've been consistent with sticking to a food plan and e-mailing it to my sponsor for accountability.
This is my OA sponsor that I'm talking about. My AA sponsor fired me on Thursday. It was actually kind of a mutual break up. Our communication had become practically non-existent. I had become too complacent, a large part of it because of my depression, but also because I'm just lazy at times.
Since getting fired, though, I've been to three meetings in three days. I have reconnected with two old friends and have started getting serious about my eating. So I guess there's a positive to it, although the night it happened, I wanted to drink AT her like see here I'll show you yeah let's throw away four and a half years of sobriety.
Thank God and my husband, who I texted about this, told me to get my ass to a meeting and stay there. So, I went to my OA meeting which I was supposed to meet my sponsor at anyway, and by the end of the meeting I was able to see how absolutely ridiculous and stupid drinking at her would have been and that really I did this to myself. Thank God I still have my sobriety date!
I did all my food planning and prepping for the week yesterday - and good news - Indian food is on the menu! My favorite!!! My husband found a Desi Market and I was so excited, I practically jumped out of the car to get in there! Lol!
Other than what I got at the market, I was able to do all of my food prep without any grocery shopping! #winning
I just got out of Insanity Boot Camp. I met with a friend and did my last class on the 12 class challenge that I signed up for. I got a t-shirt yay yay! I don't know if I'm going to get one for Battle of the Bulge. The goal was to not gain weight over the holidays. Well, I did - to the tune of 10 pounds - but I've almost got it all back off. Weigh in is the 6th at the latest.
I'm doing the 12-week New You Challenge as well. I start that next Monday. I got all of my workouts planned for the next two weeks.
Standing at my kitchen counter drinking a glass of water has done more for me than I ever imagined. My cat has cancer. My best friend is barely talking to me - not because we're fighting - but because she is reliving trauma that happened a year ago and it's all over the news. I've reached out several times but she has to deal with the pain her own way I guess. My weight has gone up and down along with my depression. I've had some tension at work. My stepson is 5 and is at times, well, a 5 year old. The holidays are hard for me with my mom gone.
Somehow through all of that, I have peace. I put the little slips of paper in my God box and pray that I can keep them in there. Some days I take my prayer back and I start worrying or obsessing over the situation, but for the most part, I've been able to let go of those things, which has allowed me to have a lot more mental stability.
People in recovery have been telling me for years to just let things go. For me, it's easier said than done and I have to be pretty badly beaten and broken before I surrender. I've been praying lately for the willingness to be willing. I'm glad that I am able to be more diligent about it now, and I pray that the motivation and consistency that I have been granted by my God continues.
I'm afraid of backsliding and falling into my depression again, but I know that if that happens, my God will be there to pick me up, dust me off, and get me on my way again. For that, I am grateful.