RECOVERYMAMA
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Feelings

Thursday, December 20, 2018

I tried to journal yesterday, but I was flustered and frustrated and emotionally a freaking basket case. This has little to do with my weight loss journey, so anybody only focused on that, this one isn't on topic.

(so foggy even an hour later, you can't see the flagpoles at the end of the street. No, photos don't even do the fog justice here.)
Yesterday was exceedingly foggy when I left the house for work. I've struggled with that for two years, since I lost Sami on a night just like that. Wondered a hundred times, if she'd only waited till the fog cleared, would we still have her here. Thousands of thoughts of what might have been and if only.
And then, in about a half hour after those photos, this:

A reminder, the sun shines even after the fog clears.


I know there are just going to be "those days", days when the emotions are raw, and the grief is strong, and I feel weak and my chest hurts with how much I miss my daughter. Yeah, it's been a bit over two years. But let me be honest, that first entire year, there are stretches of time I remember very little. I was still in such shock, I didn't really grieve, I just hurt, deeper inside than I ever imagined I ever could. And what, not even six months after that, we lose Cydnee, her best friend, the person I relied on a lot, the person Deniella relied on a lot, to suicide. She couldn't seem to imagine life wihout Sami, it felt like. And some days, neither could we.

(Cyd and Sami with India, Cydnee's daughter, and her niece)
Yes, I have tremendous gratitude that I got to really know my daughter, watch her grow up, see her become this amazing, beautiful young woman. That I got to love her for years, and know she loved me in return.
But there are still days, when it is so hard I don't even have words for the pain I feel and every single little stupid thing makes me cry, and whether that's life or hormones or memories, it's there.
I know she would be proud of how we are doing, that her love for her sister and for me is still within us and always will be. I just miss her. So very much.

So thank you Sami, for the love I feel in sunrises and rainbows, the laughs I see in the mischief your sister gets into, the sarcasm you so thoughtfully taught Deni, the love we all have for India because of you and CC.
I miss you forever and always. Thank you for being my daughter and allowing me to be your mom.
I love you, Mahm/Mooter/Creator/Mommy
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • MOMMA48
    emoticon for your strength knowing that Sami is with you every day--our children and loved ones never leave us--they are truly always in our hearts and that will never change. And, yes, look to the emoticon and the emoticon knowing she is looking down upon you, her always loving and wonderful Mom.
    331 days ago
  • PACEKA1
    I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you some days. I think you are truly an amazing person for recognizing the blessing of having Sami in your life rather than focusing on the sorrow you must feel. I wish for you many Sami sunrises and rainbows!
    331 days ago
  • SLIMMERJESSE
    Honestly, I've never been "normal" again after so many losses and heartbreaks. I just do the best I can each day. That's what life is like for me after a long period of grief - sheer survival.
    331 days ago
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