Feelings: the temporary opinion?
Wednesday, December 19, 2018
As some of you may know, I took a huge step to transform my life at the end of January this year by leaving a 7-year (on and off) relationship. I've also been on a path towards holistic (mind/body/soul) health and strength. As the year winds down I feel like I haven't really accomplished too much of anything. But then I reflect:
-Ended an emotionally draining and non-constructive (read: emotional rollercoaster) relationship
-Moved out of my own place to be across town and away from him and all the familiar spaces
-Moved nearly everything in my new place with extreme minimal help
-Resisted the urge to call/message my ex for 6.5 months now
-Totally changed my eating habits
-Regularly check/log/write on spark:)
-Know how to cook (& actually enjoy it way more now than in years past) more Asian dishes (my fav), breads, sauces, etc.
-Can, and have, enjoy eating Thai food all week if and whenever I want
-Now do my own laundry regularly (my ex used to)
-Have been able to save since I've stopped eating out (all but on the rare occasion).
-Smile way more
-Recognize my own face again
-Take better care of my body (moisturizer, positive thoughts, workouts, and great energy space does wonders)
-Some of my pants are too big & a pair of shoes klipklopped as I tried to walk through the parking lot yesterday (apparently losing weight may slim your feet some!)
-I'm more insightful and recognize how my lack of conviction has caused issues in various situations
-I look my fears in the face more often instead of hiding from them
-I don't cry nearly as much
So although I wax and wane on whether to call him up again to see how he is and although I feel like I've been treading water still I realize that I haven't and I shant. It just feels like it. A year from now I'll be a senior at University, my business should be solid and sufficient without me daily, I'll be stronger, less blah, and until I read this then, I'll forget that I ever felt like this in the first place.
While I'm still not where I want to be in the strength and confidence department, I know that it is only a matter of time, space and effort.
All in all, these current feelings are temporary, fleeting even. As I've outlined, they clearly do not portray an accurate representation of facts (i.e. things that have actually been accomplished vs not feeling that I've accomplished too much of anything). I never want to fall back into my old life. And although there are things that I miss about it and him in general, I'm WAY more excited about the new life that I am building for myself! Although, I'd be lying to say that it isn't scary to be building a life for myself by myself after years of coupledom and essentially codependency but none the less, I'm building it! Scary feelings, thoughts, and old life benefits be damned!
I feel another transformative act of self coming on:)
Thanks for reading.