Day 869: Chronic Pain + A Colonoscopy
Wednesday, December 19, 2018
After battling with years of chronic pain in multiple areas of my body, I think I’ve managed to hit rock bottom. I have tears as I type that, but I also have a sense of relief. I felt let down by the medical profession for a very long time, so I stopped going to the doctor for the most part. Things had really been heading downhill for a few months now and my significant other moved out of our home this past October to give me space to figure things out. I was hurt but knew it was the first kick in the butt I needed to start advocating for and taking care of myself. About a month ago, I became suicidal. While I have bipolar disorder and am not a stranger to the fight with my brain to stay alive, I hadn’t fallen this low in a long time and it scared me. I am well-versed in the steps to take when these feelings hit and I reached out. My support system stayed with me and helped me see the proper doctors and, at the end of the day, it came out that I simply couldn’t handle living with my pain anymore but was beyond frustrated with never getting answers from doctors as to how to control the pain. (Side note to anyone wondering or dealing with suicidal feelings: I absolutely should have been hospitalized at this point. If you need hospitalization, don’t hesitate to get it. Unfortunately, my area is severely understaffed in mental health professionals and psychiatric beds are a no-go, particularly around the holidays.)
After that episode, my mom pushed me to get back into a few specialized doctors and promised we will push until we have some answers. She accompanied me to an OBGYN appointment that started out promising but has turned into a bust. I’m working up the energy to go to a different doctor with more knowledge on Interstitial Cystitis (my suspected diagnosis). I also went in for my first colonoscopy yesterday. Wow, people don’t dramatize when they describe how…um…not fun that is, haha! But I powered through the prep (improvising a little because I couldn’t get it all down for the life of me) and the test looked normal thankfully. There were some biopsies taken, so I will get the results from them in about a week and am looking forward to either getting some answers or ruling things out.
My project now is educating myself on the FODMAP diet and its effect on both IC and IBS. I’m hoping the change in diet will help both the pain and my weight, if I plan my diet correctly. I am tired of feeling wretched. I am absolutely exhausted. I have had to drop so many things I love and I don’t want to live my days just surviving anymore.
If you’ve managed to make it this far, I appreciate your reading this. I wish each and every one of you luck on these tough journeys we are taking and send love to all.