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What I've Learned

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Wednesday, December 12, 2018

2018 is almost over. It started out great, but it's ended kind of blase. The first half of the year, everything with my weight loss was going great. Right on track. Then, from July to December, I've plateaued, bouncing back and forth from 220 to 229. The decade I can't leave, I guess.

I've had a rough go of it lately, medical issues mostly. Although I didn't receive a diagnosis, I feel like some of the pain/discomfort is subsiding. However, at my peak of frustration, I threw in the towel for a couple days, which I'm sure will send the scale right back up next time I weigh in.

Yes, it wasn't the best choice to shove food in my face, stop exercising, and just say forget it. But what I learned from this is the food didn't make me feel any better. In fact, it didn't even taste good. Everything I ate, tasted worse than the last thing. It wasn't like I'd thought it would be, like a longing for something I'd hadn't had in awhile... it was like, "Wow, this is what this tastes like?... Not what I remember." In simpler words, it wasn't worth it.

In fact, the feeling I got from eating (or didn't get) is nothing like the feeling I get when I accomplish something instead. Like, when I get everything ready for the next day, hit the gym before work, make my step goal, or eat within my calories. All of these things make me feel way better than candy, brownie bites, pizza, chicken wings, and any of the other crap I ate on my "towel" days...

The bottom line is this. That food doesn't do anything for me. Yes, I went back to it in the hopes I'd feel better. BUT I DIDN'T. Now, I will break the cycle by not following this feeling with guilt, but instead, I'm going to follow it with action.

Take it back. Take back MY control. I AM IN CONTROL OF MY THOUGHTS. I AM IN CONTROL OF MY DECISIONS. Every day I might not meet my goals, but I will not make myself feel guilty as long as I tried. Sometimes other things will have to come before my opportunity to exercise, or my chance to lay everything out the night before. Sometimes, we have to live life on the fly, go with the flow, and make the best out of what the day gives us.

I have to stop hating myself. I've hated myself for too long. I hated myself so much I shoveled food in my face for YEARS, and it wasn't even that good. (Come to find out).

There's nothing wrong with me. I can do this. I have done this. I will not stop doing this.

The alternative isn't even attractive anymore. That's what I've learned.
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