CMGJPG
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First Time Blogging

Friday, December 07, 2018

Things these past few months have been kinda wild! I'm not sure how I got the idea. I really think that maybe it was the Lord that put it in my head. For most of my life, I have struggled with being overweight. The last little while, it's like I hit rock bottom. Things with my husband aren't the best and part of me feels like things would be a lot different if I weren't so overweight! He says that's not the case, but he has lied to me so much over the years, I have no idea what to believe with him. All I do know is that I started to feel like if I have to continue living overweight, not able to move normally, fit in certain situations and live feeling like crap about myself, then I don't want to live.

I recently answered the question: Why do I want to lose weight? My answer is: I am so tired of not living! I feel like I am locked away in a prison and that prison is this body that doesn't actually belong to me. I am a skinny person trapped in this horrible body, screaming and dying to get out!!

So, out of the blue, the thought of weight loss surgery popped into my head. I started researching it online and thinking about it non-stop. This went on for a good while, until I suddenly talked myself out of it. I just knew that there was no way I could do all the changing that I would have to do to go through with the surgery. Now, I'm back to being absolutely miserable. I go to my counseling appointment pretty soon after this. She asks me what's new and I just mention that I had this thought and was going to tell her that it was ridiculous because I'm too much of a foodie when she starts telling me about the program they have in Richlands. Suddenly, it's like hope came back to me. She suggested that I contact them, just for info if nothing else. Just hear them out, she tells me. I agree to do so.

I call the bariatric center and the lady explains that she has to ask me some questions to see if I might be a candidate. She says I am, so she will send me the paperwork in the mail. Just because I get the packet from them, does not mean that I will be approved. So, I work on the huge stack of papers. Seems to take me forever to get it all finished! I even had to call my insurance company and ask them several questions and record their answers for the doctor. I get everything finished, but I delayed in sending it back. I was having second thoughts again that I could handle all of the changes to my life. I finally decided to just take a leap and I mailed it out. I waited weeks and I heard nothing. I told myself that must be my answer. Out of the blue, I got the feeling that I should call the office to make sure they had gotten the packet. They had and even made me a patient chart. Just forgot to call me. So, I was now approved to meet with the doctor.

I didn't hold out much hope of actually getting approved into the program, but I went to see him. He asks me a few more questions and does a physical exam. I wasn't expecting the exam or for him to pull my pants down way too far and get an eye full of pubic hair! LOL He says that when they contact the insurance company, it can take between 3 and 12 months to get approval, IF they get a yes. He also says I need to have a sleep study and need to see a counselor at Healing Waters, should I be approved. I was under the impression from all they told me that they would contact me and say, yes you have been approved and now are in the program. They didn't. They just started telling me I had this appointment and that appointment. At this point, I was thinking if I go to these appointments and spend all this money and I don't get into the program, I will be so so upset!

I meet with the counselor and he asks me a million questions. I also have to do some questions on his laptop. He was a nice guy. I was nervous throughout the whole meeting though. At the end of it, he says that I am approved to have my surgery. I'm like, HUH? Does this mean I am in the program and no one told me, I keep thinking to myself. Apparently so! At this time, things get so so stressful!! I had to pay $140 to meet this guy. I was told I'd have a co-pay. Wrong! The receptionist says she can hold a check for me. OK. She can hold it for the exact same day that I have to pay $500 to the dietician to get enrolled into the program. I just about have a cow!! A few days later, I have to go for the sleep study and that costs $123. I thought I was going to have a breakdown before all of this was over!!

The sleep study was an adventure! So many electrodes stuck to me in so many places!! I had an allergic reaction to whatever she used to stick them on with. I had a bad night!! I felt like I didn't sleep a wink!! I stared at the 2 blinking lights on the ceiling all night. The bed was great! Loved the mattress! The rooms are like hotel rooms. Really cool. She tells me I have apnea, even though I didn't sleep. Not sure how they can test non-existent sleep. I have to take part 2 of the sleep study later.

Now, I decide I need to talk to my GP about all of this. I hope she will back me. She sounds hopeful. She has to get my records from the heart and asthma doctors and then will send something to the gastric doc if she backs me. I really really hope she does, after all of this!! My next appointment with my counselor, I take all of my weight loss info with me to show her. At this point, yes I'm nervous but I'm getting pretty excited. I'm really trying to not think about how hard it will be or that I will have a hard time with it. I'm just going step by step in the process. I've already started cutting things out that will go along with the lifestyle, like pop, pasta for the most part, I'm cutting way down on carbs in general and I'm increasing protein. My counselor seems really hopeful and happy for me.

I've been to 1 support group meeting. No one that had had surgery showed up. That was very helpful! LOL I did get to meet 4 others that are going through the program at the same time as me. John has his surgery first. At the time of writing this, he has already had his surgery. I spoke to the dietician and she said he is doing well. There is also Deidre, Megan and another lady that didn't tell us her name or really talk to anyone.

I've just had part 2 of the sleep study. It went really well! The only time I had issues with the c-pap were in the beginning. I felt like the mask was going to suction so tightly to my face that it would suffocate me. LOL It did not. I just told myself to not think about it, to just breathe normally and it would be fine. I slept well with it. I really enjoyed that big sleigh bed I slept in! I'd love to know what kind of mattress that was! It was great!! It's 1 of those that doesn't move when you move or bounce. I'll get my c-pap machine soon. The lady that did the test gave me my mask and tubing that I used that night. That was cool! I love freebies!

My second appointment with the dietician was the same day I did the sleep study part 2. It's getting more real. She answered a few questions and gave me some protein samples. I need to find toddler plates and utensils to use for when I can eat eat after the surgery. I need to see if Mommy will let me borrow her blender for when I do pureed foods. Jim got me a blender ball cup, so I'm ready for my protein shakes.

I've had a lot of mixed feelings over the last couple of months. Sometimes, I feel like all of this is completely out of my control. I'm on a ride that I can't get off of. Sometimes I want off, but I can't get off now. I've gone too far and spent way too much money to let it all go to waste. So, I just tell myself to get over and we'll get through this somehow. All I know to do is to depend on the Lord. I know He will get me through this, He'll give me the strength that I need to be able to handle all of this. I still worry about what it will be like. Will I be sick all the time? Will I be a failure? Is it just too much for me to handle? I'm scared. I guess that's normal. You'd probably be an idiot to not be a little scared. This is huge!! This is life changing. This isn't a 1 day thing or a 1 month thing. This is a lifestyle change. I am trying my darndest to do it though!! I am now down almost 14lbs total and almost 10lbs since I first saw the program doctor. I was stunned when I saw that on the scale! Went to church last night and there was hot cocoa, lots of cookies and donuts! I had NONE! I had a bottle of water. VERY proud of myself! Small changes, little by little. Hopefully, by the time I have my surgery in February, I'll be ready and I'll be able to handle this! (started food journaling. Hate! lol)


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