Starting to feel like myself again
Sunday, November 18, 2018
I'm up, getting ready to do my devotionals and work on stepwork and then head to Insanity Bootcamp - because I'm apparently insane. I ate some things yesterday I'm not proud of but today's a new day. We have a potluck after church. I've been trying to kick sugar. I ended up climbing on top of things in the closet yesterday bc I found my husband's secret candy stash, nom nom nom. I am hopelessly addicted to Shameless and I just started season 5. The last half of 4 is getting to where I can so relate, not wanting to take responsibility, being mad at other people, "wasn't being who they was supposed to be" - OUCH - and how Fiona is addicted to chaos - OUCH - I can relate. I've got a lot of things from my past that I have got to start letting go of if I'm ever going to grow up and be mentally stable and free. The abuse, the hurt, the abandonment, people who said they loved me and proved otherwise, people I've lost. It makes me bitter and a victim. I don't want to be a victim but forgiveness and letting go feels like it's saying it was ok and what happened was very much not okay and I get angry at God for having a blind eye to it. There's a song by Derek Minor called "Save Me" - all these things happen and he's like "you see all the pain that I feel like You pour it on me I just hope I don't lose it" and he yells "where are you God, where are you!?!" - I can totally relate to that - but then I see my husband and stepson, my family who's still here, my job, my life, being alive and here, that in itself is a miracle after the life I've lived, my car, my friends, everything God has given me and the crazy part, the reason I know it's God, it came at EXACTLY the right time. So maybe God really was watching out for me. Derek Minor says later in the song, "you're all that I have and you gave up your Son, that is enough", and "you can have it all, you can have it all, just save me" - that's where I struggle - getting to that point of acceptance - because I don't understand where he was before I went to live with my adopted mom, and after everything with my birth mother. Maybe at that point I'd already reached the age of accountability. All I know is the past hurts me, makes me angry, and blocks me off from the Sunlight of the Spirit. So how long do I sit in this? That's up to me. I go to meetings, work with my sponsor, go to therapy, do my devotionals, it'll get easier. I know this from experience - so no more excuses.