Feeling like myself again
Sunday, November 18, 2018
I'm up, getting ready to do my devotionals and work on stepwork and then head to Insanity Bootcamp - because I'm apparently insane. I ate some things yesterday I'm not proud of but today's a new day. We have a potluck after church. I've been trying to kick sugar. I ended up climbing on top of things in the closet yesterday bc I found my husband's secret candy stash, nom nom nom. I am hopelessly addicted to Shameless and I just started season 5. The last half of 4 is getting to where I can so relate, not wanting to take responsibility, being mad at other people, "wasn't being who they was supposed to be" - OUCH - and how Fiona is addicted to chaos - OUCH. I can relate. I've got a lot of things from my past that I have got to start letting go from my past. The abuse, the hurt, the abandonment, people who said that loved me and proved otherwise, people I've lost. It makes me bitter and a victim. I don't want to be a victim but forgiveness and letting go feels like it's saying it was ok and what happened was very much not okay and I get angry at God for having a blind eye to it but then I see my husband and stepson, my family who's still here, my job, my life, just being alive and here, that in itself is a miracle after the life I've lived. So maybe God was watching out for me. I just don't understand where he was before I went to live with my adopted mom. I think she was my first miracle.