Friday, November 16, 2018
I know that I have been posting blogs about acknowledging, controlling, and changing my emotions in more effective ways lately... but sometimes it is hard to pull myself up out of the lethargy that tends to consume me. I can intellectually understand and process the situation and realize what is happening... and even practice the skills to pry myself out of the doldrums, but there are days (or weeks) when no knowledge or recently learned skill seems capable of helping. I still do the actions that move me through my days, the habits that are just part of what I do and who I am, and I KNOW that eventually, by doing the next thing, I will rise above. In the meantime... it takes almost inhuman effort to make it through each day. I can see causative factors (winter weather, chronic pain, relationship issues), and I theoretically know how to cope or adapt, yet it seems like a pointless exercise at times.
That said... I AM doing the things that have , historically, lifted me up. I walk my dog daily. I workout. I try to eat healthy and clean. I dyed my hair deep purple (which normally makes me smile for days). I visit with friends. I talk to my dad. I write letters (yes, actual letters that I mail out). I read voraciously. The only thing I have not been doing as regularly is writing in my journal. And yet still... I am struggling. I am struggling, but I am not hopeless in my struggle. I have this underlying (possibly naive) understanding that things will shift and change, and if I keep doing positive actions, that emotional/mental shift will be positive. I keep building small successes... some having to do with diet and exercise, some with interpersonal relationships, some with personal expectations and behaviors... and with each success I am building a foundation. Even if I don’t feel like doing ANYTHING, I am still putting one foot in front of the other. In my book that right there is a win. It might be a small one, but I will definitely take it!