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"If we were to live, we had to be free of anger"

Wednesday, November 14, 2018

"...the grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics these things are poison."

Things have been a sh!*storm lately. I messed up bad. I am humiliated with myself. My anger got out of control so fast and I knew I should stop but I kept throwing fuel on the fire. I had an opportunity and was working on a case. The foster mom went to St. Francis and told them that she was "concerned" because of "things I told her" (ie, I'm a recovering addict with a history of abuse), well, I flew off the handle about why did she not come straight to me, etc. I really do believe that she was starting stuff and being manipulative but I could have kept being a CASA if I didn't react so unprofessionally. I was mad and offended and couldn't believe she'd share that information and tell people behind my back. Then I started thinking about how if I got another case, what happens when I start seeing this kid, and something happens, and I have to let him/her down, too. I really liked my CASA kid and we were just starting to bond. Now I'm another person that was in his life and cared about him that has deserted him. I am so angry at the foster mom and at myself, really, for the way I reacted and behaved. I sabotaged any chances of ever getting to be a CASA again and this is something I dreamed of doing for a long time. It took me forever to get the courage to even fill out the application and now I've destroyed it because I couldn't calm down and no, I didn't pray, I just kept going. I can't explain how angry and hurt I was when I read that "she's concerned" email that I got from my CASA supervisor. I felt like someone had shoved their hand through my chest and squeezed every ounce of pride and self-esteem right out of me. I have almost 5 years sober but I don't act like it. I told my AA sponsor. She said what I did was unprofessional and that I need to be willing to be done being miserable and that the victim thing is keeping me sick, that I turn situations into all about me, that it was about the people I was trying to help and that I overstepped my boundaries, that I should have called someone and never react the way I did. Then she said not to beat myself up, that it's a learning experience, but honestly, this could have been prevented.

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    Stephanie, I'm so sorry to hear of the pain you're going through. It really hurts when other people question our integrity/sanity/self-control/good intentions/etc. I still remember with pain when my sister was getting a divorce more than 30 years ago. She had a 2-year-old adopted son, she had a prescription drug problem, her husband was an attorney, and she was the one who was trying to leave, and most people (including me) could not fathom why she wanted a divorce. Well, she ended up losing custody, and that turned out to be the low point of her whole life, she says now, but I'm not telling you this story because of what happened to her and her 2-year-old, which broke my heart, but because I found out later that during all the hearings and such, a friend of the husband's who had been an acquaintance of mine in my college days because we had gone to the same college, had given testimony against ME! Apparently, he had considered the crowd I ran with to be wild, and he had witnessed craziness from me. In my college days, I had been suffering post-traumatic stress from my father's alcohlism, and I'm sure I did not present as a very stable person. But I wondered what in the heck MY behavior had to do with my sister's custody battle, and it made me livid to have my name brought into it. At the same time, I knew that the acquaintance's words had a grain of truth, and I was devastated and deeply regretful and humiliated.

    I haven't thought of that episode in many years, but when you wrote today about your sad experience of losing your temper and losing a treasured opportunity, it came back to me.

    The good thing is that I know how very different I am today than I was back then. And my sister, of course, learned a valuable lesson and since then has tried very hard to make up for her early mistakes. It's all been very painful, but all this pain has led to redemption, I think. As hard and frustrating and painful as your situation is, too, I really think it will lead to something good. I don't know anything about CASA, but I do know that you are a good person, Stephanie, with a lot of love to give. Keep on making the world a better place!
    333 days ago
    Thinking of you!
    333 days ago
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