"If we were to live, we had to be free of anger"
Wednesday, November 14, 2018
"...the grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics these things are poison."
Things have been a sh!*storm lately. I messed up bad. I am humiliated with myself. My anger got out of control so fast and I knew I should stop but I kept throwing fuel on the fire. I had an opportunity and was working on a case. The foster mom went to St. Francis and told them that she was "concerned" because of "things I told her" (ie, I'm a recovering addict with a history of abuse), well, I flew off the handle about why did she not come straight to me, etc. I really do believe that she was starting stuff and being manipulative but I could have kept being a CASA if I didn't react so unprofessionally. I was mad and offended and couldn't believe she'd share that information and tell people behind my back. Then I started thinking about how if I got another case, what happens when I start seeing this kid, and something happens, and I have to let him/her down, too. I really liked my CASA kid and we were just starting to bond. Now I'm another person that was in his life and cared about him that has deserted him. I am so angry at the foster mom and at myself, really, for the way I reacted and behaved. I sabotaged any chances of ever getting to be a CASA again and this is something I dreamed of doing for a long time. It took me forever to get the courage to even fill out the application and now I've destroyed it because I couldn't calm down and no, I didn't pray, I just kept going. I can't explain how angry and hurt I was when I read that "she's concerned" email that I got from my CASA supervisor. I felt like someone had shoved their hand through my chest and squeezed every ounce of pride and self-esteem right out of me. I have almost 5 years sober but I don't act like it. I told my AA sponsor. She said what I did was unprofessional and that I need to be willing to be done being miserable and that the victim thing is keeping me sick, that I turn situations into all about me, that it was about the people I was trying to help and that I overstepped my boundaries, that I should have called someone and never react the way I did. Then she said not to beat myself up, that it's a learning experience, but honestly, this could have been prevented.