... and I'm at a loss.
I've been really struggling this last year or so, dealing with a host of family and personal health issues... I managed til lately to stay on a positive note but today felt like the last straw.
My house is a wreck. Dirty dishes have filled the sink and flowed over onto the counters, the stove--even the floor. I emptied my refrigerator of "science experiments" yesterday and the neighbor was appalled at the smell. I wasn't particularly surprised. The whole place reeks of bacteria and mold, and I'm ashamed of letting it get so bad.
I didn't do it on purpose. But the truth is, I have no energy. My blood sugar and blood pressure are out of control. I am sick all the time, and now dealing with nerve issues complicated by the aftermath of shingles. I can hardly walk without a cane, and can barely go anywhere without help.
THIS IS NOT WHO I AM! I don't know where the real me disappeared to!
I met my "bestie" years ago, when I had my arm in a splint and a group of folks from my church came to help clean my house because I couldn't. For months after that, I drove her to appointments, and we grew close. She continued to come to clean my litter boxes and visit a few times a week.
I asked her months ago if she could spend a little more time each time she came to help me get caught up. She said yes but never did. Her family had health issues too so I thought I understood.
Today she told me my place makes her sick so she will not be coming any more.
I feel betrayed and yet I blame myself... my stupid pride for not asking when I should have, thinking I could get out of this alone.
Because of being sick, my blood sugar has been so high that my brain thinks I should eat more. I know its not true, but I was on my computer figuring insulin levels and so on, and wasn't even thinking about what else I was doing, while I mindlessly ate most of a large bag of Halloween candy in the last few days... and my neighbor who bought the candy and gave it to me unasked, (bless his heart. I should have said no) told her about it. She says I lied to her. I didn't. I hadn't even realized how bad it was.
I'm sad... maybe it's clinical depression that started all this, I don't know, but I had a bout with that years ago, before I knew about my fibromyalgia... I have a habit of looking on the bright side so when this happened... I'm running scared now.
... Maybe I needed this to get me moving again.
Whatever it is... I do need to call someone. I need to do something.
I NEED HELP.
Prayer is the only thing that is keeping me going right now. I have faith that I CAN get through this.
I'm glad too that I have some friends here...
P.S. Calling my church leadership, there is a program...