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Monday, November 05, 2018

... and I'm at a loss.

I've been really struggling this last year or so, dealing with a host of family and personal health issues... I managed til lately to stay on a positive note but today felt like the last straw.

My house is a wreck. Dirty dishes have filled the sink and flowed over onto the counters, the stove--even the floor. I emptied my refrigerator of "science experiments" yesterday and the neighbor was appalled at the smell. I wasn't particularly surprised. The whole place reeks of bacteria and mold, and I'm ashamed of letting it get so bad.
I didn't do it on purpose. But the truth is, I have no energy. My blood sugar and blood pressure are out of control. I am sick all the time, and now dealing with nerve issues complicated by the aftermath of shingles. I can hardly walk without a cane, and can barely go anywhere without help.

THIS IS NOT WHO I AM! I don't know where the real me disappeared to!

I met my "bestie" years ago, when I had my arm in a splint and a group of folks from my church came to help clean my house because I couldn't. For months after that, I drove her to appointments, and we grew close. She continued to come to clean my litter boxes and visit a few times a week.

I asked her months ago if she could spend a little more time each time she came to help me get caught up. She said yes but never did. Her family had health issues too so I thought I understood.

Today she told me my place makes her sick so she will not be coming any more.
I feel betrayed and yet I blame myself... my stupid pride for not asking when I should have, thinking I could get out of this alone.

Because of being sick, my blood sugar has been so high that my brain thinks I should eat more. I know its not true, but I was on my computer figuring insulin levels and so on, and wasn't even thinking about what else I was doing, while I mindlessly ate most of a large bag of Halloween candy in the last few days... and my neighbor who bought the candy and gave it to me unasked, (bless his heart. I should have said no) told her about it. She says I lied to her. I didn't. I hadn't even realized how bad it was.

I'm sad... maybe it's clinical depression that started all this, I don't know, but I had a bout with that years ago, before I knew about my fibromyalgia... I have a habit of looking on the bright side so when this happened... I'm running scared now.

... Maybe I needed this to get me moving again.

Whatever it is... I do need to call someone. I need to do something.


Prayer is the only thing that is keeping me going right now. I have faith that I CAN get through this.

I'm glad too that I have some friends here...

emoticon emoticon

P.S. Calling my church leadership, there is a program...
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Thanks for your lovely comments. I talked to my bishop, my doctors (some of them and working on the rest LOL)
    The downhill spiral started with unexpected kidney failure last year. Ever since, I have been fighting with high blood pressure and tracking my diabetes was suddenly very hard, even though I have been doing it for more than twenty years.
    It felt like something inside me is broken, the door is locked and I cannot find the key! But I'm not a quitter, and I will keep looking!
    Thanks for your suggestions and support!
    Kathy emoticon emoticon
    194 days ago
    I can relate in many ways, though mine has never reached that point. I have little energy due to MS and heart and kidney failure, so I use what energy I have to improve my health by going to the gym. My house is a mess, and I am embarrassed to let anyone see it. For me, it’s mainly my kitchen counter-tops and stove top, and my couch that has stuff on it, and I don’t keep the floor mopped like I should.To keep it from degrading to the level you speak of I make it a point to tackle one thing a day, preferably more than one thing a day. I don't count the basics like taking care of my pets or plants, doing the laundry, bedding, nor exercise etc. That one thing has to be something that actually keeps my house from becoming a pit. I would consider myself a level-1 hoarder - mainly of books. I work constantly on my issues of keeping up the house in a form that I can use and enjoy my full house. It's a matter of training yourself to first, improve the state you're in now, and then keep up that improvement while making further improvements. This is a lifelong thing that you will be working with - kind of like controlling weight issues. By the way, you will make a lot more success with your housing if you take control of your diet and health. Until you take better control of those issues you will not feel up to taking control of your apt. All that sugar brings you down, and zaps your will and energy. I know; my house was worse when I was on a lot of sugar, and I have made a LOT of improvements since I got mostly off the stuff. Step by step, that's how you can deal with all these issues. You have to be there for you before anyone else will be there for you. That's sad to say, but it is how society is. Even professional 'helpers' will quit helping if you don't do everything you can personally do to improve your state. Hang in there! You can do this! Hugs.
    195 days ago

    Comment edited on: 11/12/2018 12:03:32 AM
    All I can do is applaud you for starting on your fridge. Now keep on going. I know, easier said than done but your health will be helped if you do.

    Hugs and prayers to you.

    201 days ago
    I really hate to hear this. I'm going to pray that the church is able to help you to dig out and once you do, you must promise to stay above this. You need to talk your doctor and his nurse about this too as they may have some ideas on how to help. I had to help my ex SIL with a problem like this once. It's nothing to be ashamed of. I had a 9 month R.A. flare and now that it is over I am finally able to do more than I could then. Start small. Break it into increments. Clean one small section at a time. You got the fridge cleaned out of bad food - good job. Finish cleaning it up. Get those dishes done. Work on this some every day. No excuses. You are an intelligent woman. You can do this.
    201 days ago
    Prayers for you
    201 days ago
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