A Whole Year
Thursday, October 18, 2018
Three weeks on the road to the Midwest and then the Southwest in September and October of 2017, with so many great pictures that I can't access yet to post here. I may have been thinner in 2012 but I came home from that trip healthier and more fit than I had been in years. A week later, I learned my husband of 30 years, that I had been separated from for seven years and divorced from for six months was dying of cancer. He wanted to see me. We made amends. He took a downturn the following day. I took care of him the next couple days. He died the third day. That was a year ago. I never stopped loving him even though I divorced him. I spent so many years grieving his decline physically, and his addiction and misuse of drugs. I foolishly thought when he safely passed on to his next adventure we would both be okay. Nope, This last year has been a roller coaster of emotions, mostly guilt for not being able to help him and walking away for my own health and sanity. In addition to guilt, anger, failure, and sadness, I put on fifteen pounds and lost a lot of the strength I had acquired. As I hit this anniversary date I still think about him constantly and the wonderful and loving man he was before his illness and downfall. I can't listen to an Elvis song without crying. He sang Elvis songs beautifully. Every time I walk the dog, I think of all the daily walks we took together with the dogs. I see a Peanut Butter tree and I think of him. Wind whooshing through fir trees reminds me of sitting in the porch swing cuddling and watching our trees. Even though I cry, I love being slammed by these good memories. Maybe it is a sign my heart is healing too now that I am thinking more about the goodness we shared. I am sending this little note of love and grief out into the world unedited. These are my raw thoughts. Love is messy, but I wouldn't want to live without it.