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A Whole Year

Thursday, October 18, 2018

Three weeks on the road to the Midwest and then the Southwest in September and October of 2017, with so many great pictures that I can't access yet to post here. I may have been thinner in 2012 but I came home from that trip healthier and more fit than I had been in years. A week later, I learned my husband of 30 years, that I had been separated from for seven years and divorced from for six months was dying of cancer. He wanted to see me. We made amends. He took a downturn the following day. I took care of him the next couple days. He died the third day. That was a year ago. I never stopped loving him even though I divorced him. I spent so many years grieving his decline physically, and his addiction and misuse of drugs. I foolishly thought when he safely passed on to his next adventure we would both be okay. Nope, This last year has been a roller coaster of emotions, mostly guilt for not being able to help him and walking away for my own health and sanity. In addition to guilt, anger, failure, and sadness, I put on fifteen pounds and lost a lot of the strength I had acquired. As I hit this anniversary date I still think about him constantly and the wonderful and loving man he was before his illness and downfall. I can't listen to an Elvis song without crying. He sang Elvis songs beautifully. Every time I walk the dog, I think of all the daily walks we took together with the dogs. I see a Peanut Butter tree and I think of him. Wind whooshing through fir trees reminds me of sitting in the porch swing cuddling and watching our trees. Even though I cry, I love being slammed by these good memories. Maybe it is a sign my heart is healing too now that I am thinking more about the goodness we shared. I am sending this little note of love and grief out into the world unedited. These are my raw thoughts. Love is messy, but I wouldn't want to live without it.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    emoticon In the way the world works now, a person sometimes has to do something that they would not have had to do when we lived in a simpler time. If you had remained married, by the time he passed you both might have been destitute given the government rules in our health care system.

    I know you wish it could have been different, but we all have to live with the choices we make and have to believe that they were the best we could have made given the circumstances. I know I have regrets about many things, but when I reflect on the choices I have made I have a hard time seeing how I could have made a different, better choice.

    I hope this next year brings you more peace and acceptance.

    247 days ago
    Beautiful blog. Heart-rending grief has it's place in our lives. Doing what's best is also not an easy thing. You've definitely had a hard year. And I know you're thankful for the three days of reconciliation prior to his passing. You've done the best you could with the information you had. Perhaps that knowledge can, in time, help with the guilt you feel. (more in PM email - I got too wordy)
    250 days ago
  • LINDA058
    I’m glad you’re not being hard on yourself
    250 days ago
  • LOF7203
    I'm sorry for your loss.
    251 days ago
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