So here we go yet again!
Saturday, October 06, 2018
I vowed last time on here I was going to be a die hard dieter and lose weight once and for all. But many of us know it's not that easy. Weight is a constant roller coaster for some of us. Before I started SP my best friend died (dog) and I had gained 20 lbs from being depressed and overeating. I decided that the weight needs to come off so I was looking for something that was motivating, where I could speak to other people going thru the same battle. I found SP. I was super excited to have found this website. There were other people I could relate to, exercises I could do, challenges to join, etc. I lost 20 lbs and felt awesome. Well that's where my rollercoaster begins. I was doing Zumba, started jogging almost daily. Maybe not such a good idea for someone who is 250 lbs at the time. But I was feeling like I was a new improved person. I was going for a Zumba Fitness Instructor Certificate thought I had my fitness goals in check and thought I was on the road to my ultimate weight goal,then everything in my world came crashing down. The day before my test my vehicle broke down on a very long, hilly road. My friend who was supposed to be my best friend decided last minute that he didn't want to let me borrow his vehicle to go to my certification class. He was jealous. Jealous of me succeeding and doing something better for me and my family. What a friend he proved himself to be. I was also on his car insurance supposedly equipped with a towing plan and he wouldn't have my vehicle towed home for me. So I made the choice, stupidly, on a 85 degree day to walk up this hilly, windy road to go check my car out. I should've took water with me but instead a fruit juice. It took me an hour to get to my vehicle. My other friend came from 45 mins away just to have my car towed back to my house for me. I was very thankful. He helped me figure out a plan to get my car fixed, but it was too late. My test date was gone. What came next is what lead me to where I am now. So about an hour after I got home from my long walk I felt a quick, shooting, surging pain start at my knee and shoot straight up my inner thigh. I was in excruciating pain. I at first thought it might be a Charlie horse so I tried walking through it. That didn't help. This wasn't Charlie horse pain this was 10x worse. This continued on for about 15-20 minutes. I walked around sweating, feeling like I was about to pass out from the pain. So I went into my house took 2 Advil and started drinking water and leaned over my counter and the pain seemed to subside. From that day forward I was scared. I never wanted to go through that pain again. On a scale from 1-10 it was a 20. After this I had pain in my leg for days. I thought for sure I must have really hurt myself from that walk. I went to numerous doctors. Everyone said they had no idea what was wrong with me. They kept pushing different medications on me. Steroids, pain killers, anti-inflammatories, muscle relaxers. You name it I was taking it. One doctor told me he thought that I may have tendonitis. They checked my gait to see if my hips lined up on both sides. The journey itself was 100% frustrating and I couldn't take it no more. The muscle relaxers helped, yes, but I would go to bed a lot earlier than my children and wake up when they were asleep. I hated it. I was depressed. When I woke up I would cry knowing that I didn't spend time with my kids or tell them good night and I loved them before they went to sleep. It tore me apart. So I vowed to myself that I would do my research myself and figure out what was wrong with me since none of these doctors would do it. So I eventually gained my 20 lbs back, figured out my problem but now it's harder than ever to lose my weight. I've got a pinched nerve issue in my thigh that could be due to spinal stenosis, and I have Bakers cysts in the back of both of my knees. I think due to running at my size. I've learned to deal with the sometimes discomfort with a heating pad and an ice pack and I've taken my life back. I haven't taken any of that crap the doctors prescribed me in about 2 years now. The weight. That's the only thing I haven't been able to get control over. My doctor asked me to join My Fitness Pal which I'm a member of, and I lost 5 lbs, but gained 3.5 of it back. For me, weight loss is extremely hard. It's frustrating, and I'm still afraid to be in that pain that I experienced so long ago. I think that's what's hindered my progress with weight loss, but I know we can also be our own worst enemies and make excuses. I hope soon that something will change. I've started Zumba again, drink a lot of water, have been able to get back into my weight training, and still nothing. No weight loss. I feel defeated. I've been fat shamed. That doesn't make me feel good about myself. I was walking down the street the other day and some guy in a truck screamed out "Fat ass" as I was walking with my kids down the street. My kids asked what he said and I just acted like I didn't hear what he said, when deep down it hurt my feelings. It's been men who have been fat shaming me. I can't believe people can be so cruel. I tell myself I'm going to lose weight to show them I'm not fat, but am I doing it for them or for me? I need to do it for me. Not because I'm being fat shamed, but because I want to make a change for the better. I hope soon that I can start making some kind of progress.