jokes AND FITNESS
Saturday, September 29, 2018
This is our assignment for the Aspire and Inspire sparkteam:
Our theme for September has been daily fitness challenge. Blog about your strongest areas in fitness, or what is most challenging for you in getting fit. My strongest area in fitness is cardio. I do cardio almost everyday. The most
challenging thing for me is to do strength exercises. I do them for awhile and then just stop doing. Maybe I just don't feel strong enough to do them. What new or different exercise or fitness class would you consider trying? I would love to try zumba gold, Drumming class , swimming, water walking in deep water, and last but not lease Bollywood Dancing,
You have been warned
True life product warnings:
On a blanket from Taiwan:
NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists:
REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.
On a New Zealand insect spray:
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
In a US guide to setting up a new computer:
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles:
OPEN OTHER END.
On a Sears hairdryer:
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
On a bar of Dial soap:
DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box):
DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
On a Korean kitchen knife:
WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.
On a child's superman costume:
WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY. (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)
DOCTORS NOTES ON PATIENTS CHARTS
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.
She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
The patient refused an autopsy.
Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
She is numb from her toes down.
While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.
Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
Actual Church Bulletins
Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to the church secretary.
The ladies of the church have cast-off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.
The associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday:
"I Upped My Pledge - Now Up Yours."
A new loud speaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. in the church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?". Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Irving Beltson and Jessie were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Friendship Hall after the B.S.