Anxiety... just drive?
Tuesday, September 04, 2018
I live with anxiety as a constant companion. Some days it’s more manageable than others. Then there are mornings like THIS morning, when I wake up fretting and anxious about nothing and everything. I can’t put a finger on what specifically I am anxious about, but I feel it deep in my gut ( and as many of you know, my gut is already unsettled to start with these days), and my mind is churning. If I were worried about one concrete topic or concern I think I would find it easier to manage, but it is amorphous and unfocused. I am just anxious about everything. I will try and quiet my mind a little with meditation, and a walk in the quiet, dark of the pre-dawn will probably help empty out the churning, but for this moment upon waking, it is overwhelming and uncomfortable. I may live with this anxiety, but I still have things I have to do in order to live my life and function as best I can. And I do those things daily. I have had to make some adaptations and concessions however, for safety reasons. Thankfully, I have family who will help me with rides to appointments when I am unable to drive. (That’s my main concession/adaptation at the moment). My geographical limitations are becoming more pronounced, which is rather distressing. I used to be the original “road trip girl”.., wherever, whenever, I was up for it! Now, I can’t drive up to Buffalo... or even its suburbs. If I get in the car with the intention of driving there... I have a full blown panic attack. I simply can’t do it. I think it’s the inability to do something that I used to do without thinking twice about that is distressing. Just get in the car and go... what was once simple... isn’t any longer. It takes away a piece of my independence. And I fought hard to establish my independence after I was so sick in my 20s and 30s.
But... I DO have family who love me and support me. And I DO have my dog to help even me out. And I CAN go out for a pre-dawn walk safely in my sleepy little village. Those are my silver linings for this morning. Even anxious and overwrought I can still see silver linings, so it could be worse!