Tuesday, August 28, 2018
“Discomfort” is a mild word. “Pain” does not convey the continual energy-sapping feeling that is draining my reserves. But “misery” works pretty well to describe the mental state this ongoing “discomfort” and “pain” are leaving me in. I try to ignore the physical sensations and symptoms most of the time, as my primary doctor has done all the tests in her protocol for my symptoms... and there is no “good reason” for why my symptoms persist. I am glad she has ruled out the big, nasty and contagious possibilities... but now she’s seemed to decided that that is all she CAN do, so that is all she WILL do... and she has no other help to offer me. Her PA told me “there’s really nothing else we can do...” So, I guess I just get to suffer through until I get in to see the specialist. I have a scheduled appointment at the end of September, but I have decided to call today and see if they have a cancellation list, and whether I can get put on it, with the hope that I could possibly get in sooner. Yesterday I had an abdominal ultrasound (talk about discomfort!). Take an already painful tummy and press on it repeatedly... no fun, and I took the first available appointment which was yesterday afternoon, which meant no food or drink after 8am... I don’t usually obsess over either one, but take away the option and suddenly I think about them constantly... it’s kinda funny actually (as long as it’s only temporary)... only drawback, was that because it was the end of the day the radiologist had already left, so he wasn’t available to read it until today, then he has to write his report and send it to the doctor... who will then contact me... maybe...
I guess you can tell that I have mixed emotions about my medical providers at the moment. I am hopeful and skeptical at the same time. I have to have hope and faith in order to keep getting up each day and put one foot in front of the other, and do what needs to be done... but I have a history of misdiagnoses, and medical disinterest to verify my skepticism... (I will have to tell you the back story of my pulmonary embolism sometime! Or my stroke...). Oh well, I will allow the hope and faith lead me for now, but I will act to get the best possible care that I can. It is the best balance that I can achieve at the moment. And it is all the mental energy I can muster up.
I know, I know, it all sounds so melodramatic. And maybe it is a bit self-indulgent and melodramatic, as my “friend” has told me I am being (I really need to reconsider listening to her), but honestly after a month of this, I am exhausted and frustrated. (I do have to say that it has given me a new and deeper respect for people who deal with chronic pain though! Sure, my bursitis and arthritis act up, but both can be dealt with, so I know that they have an end point... there is a definite difference between a pain with a definitive end point, and one with no discernible end...). Anyways, I rarely say out loud everything I am writing here... I try to maintain a positive (though I can no longer pull off upbeat) mien in my day to day life. Which may actually minimize the perception of how much pain and discomfort I am continually in, hmmm... maybe I should start going around, frowning and crying continuously.., because that is so me... lol... I don’t say it out loud to my IRL friends and acquaintances, so y’all get the brunt of it... sorry...
There are so many blessings in my life. And I can almost always find a silver lining in any situation. And right now y’all are both to me. I really need to stop dwelling on how much I hurt right now, and count my blessings. It does help at least a little. And my silver lining this morning? Well, I am not contagious. That’s a pretty big silver lining!
I am going to go make the best of this day that I can... I hope you do the same.