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I Mourn What Was and Grieve for What Will Never Be

Monday, August 27, 2018

Sometimes life transcends the SparkPeople journey. Yesterday, while watching all the coverage about Senator John McCain, I saw a Facebook message from my eldest-though-younger sister asking me to call her. I had a bad feeling instantly. The conversation was very brief. "Mom is gone" Mary said. "There's no good way to say this." McCain and Mother died on the same day. My heart stopped. I felt as if an icy spear had been run through me. Through tears, I thanked her for being the one to tell me. There will be no service and it is unlikely that I would be welcome when the family gathers to spread her ashes.

Mother kicked me out of the house when I was 13, sending me to live with the father I did not know. She came to my high school graduation which I did not know until after the ceremony. That's the last time I saw her. We exchanged cards and letters intermittently for a very short time and then I learned that the family would grab mail addressed with my return address and keep it from her because she got so upset.

I always hoped, yearned and prayed for reconciliation, but it never happened. I never knew how I would feel when this sad news came. I am surprised at how extraordinarily painful this is. My thoughts are with my stepfather who's lost his partner of ~ 60 years, my sisters who have also lost their mother, cousins, her grandchildren and the entire maternal side of my family.

Rest in peace, Mother! I hope you find in death healing and peace everlasting.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I'm so sorry for your loss. I wish you all the peace and best during this time. emoticon
    178 days ago
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    178 days ago
    so sad. may you find peace. take care of yourself.
    178 days ago
    I am so, so sorry to read this, that you are hurting so badly, but my heart aches for this child who was abandoned by her mother. You are such a strong person to still hold such gracious thoughts toward her after all that. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts today.
    179 days ago
    My heart goes out to you and I do hope you will find peace as well. I don't often mention, but I also had an extremely painful time growing up. My Mother (?) made it clear she only wanted boys and never wanted a girl! Her looks at me from my first remembrances were those of contempt and often I was her punching bag.When I was 14, she sent me away to live with an Aunt and Uncle, in a different city and large high school where I knew no one.

    She is still alive but we are estranged for over ten years now. I let is go long ago, and it no longer has the power to be hurtful. Life goes on and as the old song went. "Love the one you're with" …. and the ones who love and appreciate you. You are certainly worth love and being treated well. And please remember this: You did nothing wrong! .. emoticon
    179 days ago

    Comment edited on: 8/27/2018 1:22:56 PM
    My thought are of peace for you in this doubly difficult time.
    179 days ago
  • BONNIE1552
    So sorry for your loss. Yes, it's always painful.
    179 days ago
  • MAALEX10
    My sympathy on your loss!
    179 days ago
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