I Mourn What Was and Grieve for What Will Never Be
Monday, August 27, 2018
Sometimes life transcends the SparkPeople journey. Yesterday, while watching all the coverage about Senator John McCain, I saw a Facebook message from my eldest-though-younger sister asking me to call her. I had a bad feeling instantly. The conversation was very brief. "Mom is gone" Mary said. "There's no good way to say this." McCain and Mother died on the same day. My heart stopped. I felt as if an icy spear had been run through me. Through tears, I thanked her for being the one to tell me. There will be no service and it is unlikely that I would be welcome when the family gathers to spread her ashes.
Mother kicked me out of the house when I was 13, sending me to live with the father I did not know. She came to my high school graduation which I did not know until after the ceremony. That's the last time I saw her. We exchanged cards and letters intermittently for a very short time and then I learned that the family would grab mail addressed with my return address and keep it from her because she got so upset.
I always hoped, yearned and prayed for reconciliation, but it never happened. I never knew how I would feel when this sad news came. I am surprised at how extraordinarily painful this is. My thoughts are with my stepfather who's lost his partner of ~ 60 years, my sisters who have also lost their mother, cousins, her grandchildren and the entire maternal side of my family.
Rest in peace, Mother! I hope you find in death healing and peace everlasting.