I made a decision in 2014 to get in the best possible physical shape I could get in no matter how long it takes. Truth be told, that's turning out to be a lifelong process.
Losing weight has, in the past, been about looking good, revenge body, feeling better about myself, fitting into jeans, getting a beach body and so on. Now, it's about me.
Before you go calling me selfish, I want you to know where I am coming from just in case somebody else out there is wearing the same size shoes.
Yesterday, was my 20th wedding anniversary. 20 YEARS! We dated 7 years before we got married. Can you say commitment issues? In one week, I send my youngest son to college , meanwhile my oldest will be a senior in college, and my DSS age 29 is still in the Fe BOP until 2020. That said, the hubs and I have had this co-dependent, imperfect mayhem of a marriage going on with a sprinkle of financial turmoil, and stress from all sides for a couple of decades, but we're still standing. Albeit a little wobbly.
There's nothing like two tuition payments to light a fire under your butt. That fire simultaneously being fanned by the big sigh of relief that you've raised some big boys and now, it's their deal, at least on the daily. I looovvveee my boys. And the thought of me and DH all day together strikes terror to my core mixed with a hopeful ray of sunshine that we could finally have some dang fun. Oh, is that some fertile ground for a mental breakdown or what? Hopefully, or what.
The task at hand is to discover who Jen is in the midst of all this? My name has been mom for a long time, and it still is. But, I am stoked as heck to build up this girl. I've given until my giver busted. And now, I gotta recover and rebuild a bit. In the throws of parenting and businessing, and life-ing, you get kind of lost in the shuffle of the mountain of to dos.
I've somehow managed to build an exercise habit that I had no idea would be an anchor for me in times of distress and become a stress reliever instead of a cause. Exercise was always a "have to" not a want to, but that's changed.
Why? "For such a time as this." Instead of being bikini ready, I'm just ready.. Ready to meet life at each of it's crazy phases. I'm ready to build on top of a solid foundation that's been keeping my head up during difficulty. Physical health and mental health walk hand in hand.
I had no idea how much so until I was confronted by being in an empty nest inhabited by a buzzard and a penguin. That's how different we are. Lovely, nonetheless.
I was recently watching a psychologist from Au talk about the relationship between the empath and narccissit . Not sure that I am even spelling that right, so don't think that I am making light of serious stuff. I am not. Those are not words I am attempting to throw around with wreckless abandon. We've got deep stuff with which to grapple, and that's ok. We are human. I think it is very important to take the time to know yourself and your spouse and your dynamic. What I am now understanding is my part in the chaos, and the end of my part. That is huge! I am in no way qualified to definitively proclaim this is the situation I am indeed in, however, the quack and waddle do lean toward a certain bird. Also, I am not a huge fan of labels as they can be fatalistic in nature, meaning without hope, and the Polyanna in me always loves her a spoonful of hope to remain in the jar.
But, much like a leaky roof, the first thing you gotta do to remedy the situation is to stop ignoring it and admit, Houston, you got a problem.
And from what I understand, the most important thing for me to do with my leaky roof is to make sure the substructure is healthy. That's me. If my body is being fed food that nourishes and energizes me, I'll be better able to handle the leak, and hopefully, have less problems down the road. While a bikini bod is fun to look at, a nourished, strong, efficient bod gets the job done, and if it looks good, bonus. I can't be happier about this realization. I've known it intellectually, but that knowing has finally dropped from the head to the heart.
And all because I started with a few habits to get some fat off the frame.
Through developing an exercise habit, I found the things I am most likely to do over time. I have found that I need more calories than I thought at first. AND, I found that I can burn more calories and get those feel good hormones cranking in less time if I lift weights rather than just walk. Please don't get hung up there. I truly believe those answers are found by each individual through a process of trial and error over time after the decision to keep going no matter what until you find your way has been made.
I also find my body loves eggs in the morning. It runs well on eggs. AND, heaven forbid, my precious coffee
may need to get the boot as I have to get those anxiety chemicals to simmer down and caffeine is foe to that process. Boooooooo!!!!!!!!! Don't talk to me about decaf, I'm still sad. All this time that I have spent fighting the thought that some of my physical maladies would indeed relate to my emotions have now left me putting on my big girl pants and dealing. Dealing with my leaky roof that I just wanted to ignore. I'm still not sure whether I need shingles or a demolition crew. But, I do know, the good thing is that I now have a choice because I have acknowledged the problem. The resolution lies with me, and that feels kinda good and scary.
I've rambled long enough. All this to say, that life is a big whopping challenge. Keep your head up. Keep experimenting, you'll find YOUR way! If you've maybe found yourself stuffing some emotions, wondering what's wrong with you, and semi acknowledging the issues your facing are probably multi faceted, get some help. Here's a resource I am finding helpful in this hour. youtu.be/tb6pxGK6mF8
You've got this, and so do I. Spark on!