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Summertime Sadness

Tuesday, August 07, 2018

It has been a while since my last blog...and for good reason!

As every summer goes G's family came into town. G and I had saved for nearly six months so we could take the kids different places. We went to National Museum of the USAF, Headlands Dunes Nature Preserve where we hung out at the beach, the local Zoo, and for dozens of hikes around local areas. Oh, and we took them to Menchies (a make your own ice cream Sunday place) as well. We even hosted a huge 4th of July blow out party with lots of fireworks, a bonfire, and lots of food. The game night crew came too. It was a blast!

Speaking of the game night crew we were able to host several game nights while the kids were here. The kids would play a few rounds of games with us and then hit the hay. They made mention how they really enjoyed being included and how much they really like our friends. They would actually get excited when we would tell them we were going to see so and so or someone would stop by. I think they realized the game night crew is so close we are like family.

M, from our game crew, had a birthday too. She told her hubby all she wanted for her birthday was a staycation with G and I. So, they pounded out the details. G told him we need about a month and a half to recover financially from the kids coming and we would be happy to go. Her hubby told G no....he invited he will pay for everything. M kept insisting it was all she wanted and would make her happy is for us to go. We agreed and the date was set for the day after the kids went home.

Long story short when the day came around I had a massive sinus infection and I was mentally / emotionally tanked from everything. I also cleaned the entire house the day before in 96 degree heat / 100% humidity. I was terribly sick and we had to cancel. I cried. I felt so awful and I really wanted to go!!! M and her hubby understood. Still....I don't like letting people down. *sighs*

During the time family was in town it was very hard to get a workout in so G and I would just take the kids for hikes or swimming. We ate pretty well though there were some treats involved. All I know is I told G halfway through that I couldn't wait to get a workout in as my body was being horrible.

Since the kids left my sinus infection went from really bad to low grade. I've been really achy and my joints feel like they are on fire. The fatigue is so awful! I am not sleeping well and though my eating is healthy, it's not much. My desire for food is not there. My sense of smell is skewed as everything smells awful to me. Oh, and I have a headache ranging from barely there to severe all day everyday that nothing seems to relieve it. My depression hit pretty hard for about a week. It was really bad. Scary bad. I am so frustrated because there are things I want / need to do, but physically I am too fatigued.

Right now I am feeling a little better and very slowly getting back at it. My body still hurts, but I am trying to get in my low level work outs. Something is better than nothing, right? I have lost a total of 12 lbs, my resting heart rate is down to 71 from it's highest at 83, and each day I am feeling the depression fog lifting.

I did realize something, however, while in the midst of my depression. It obvious I am still processing a lot of recent hurts which ping into old hurts. Then it dominoes. If you read my blog regularly you know I have been sorting through some old emotional baggage. It is all part of this journey towards a healthier me. However, I look at the issues I am dealing with and then I look around realizing they aren't common. There isn't a self help book out there that touches on how your family never wanted you and you are a very disposable person. Trash really. By trash I mean I am saying I am not trash, but was treated as such.

Like Harry Potter was the boy that survived I was the girl no one wanted. (For people just tuning in I do not have any family at all. They were too abusive and toxic to be around. I've not had contact in decades and since my dad died 5 years ago I have been completely without my roots.) So....how do I come to terms with that and let it go? If you look around our society is geared toward family. I was never wanted nor did I ever feel I belonged anywhere. I still don't. So....books, movies, tv shows, articles, marketing, etc tells me family is so important and you are not a person or loved without one. If something goes wrong you pick up the phone and call your family....your friend....your loved one. If something good happens they celebrate with you. Now I am well aware there are others like me or others who experience not having family to a certain extent.

I just....need to figure out how to let the hurt go. So what I wasn't wanted? So what?! Who cares? I am here. I am alive. But I keep finding this is a wound that isn't healing for me. How do I nurture it to heal without picking at it? (and please dont say find comfort in your friends...I tried and that is were I found I am easily disposable comes into play) So, how do I find it in myself to let it go so it stops sabotaging my weight loss, my growth, my sanity?

I dunno....and that right there is something I am seriously struggling with right now. (Right now going to any sort of medical care isn't an option so that is off the table. It's me vs this.)

Sorry this got so heavy, but I am here to be transparent.

Hope all is well.

emoticon Lula

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  • SPICY23
    emoticon Sympathy.
    This phenomena is more common than you might think. Even 'good' families can treat a member poorly (like Harry Potter or Cinderella). They may not even be aware that that's what they are doing. You are right that you can try all the self-help methods out there and still feel the pain.

    I wish I could tell you that they will someday 'get it' and heal this wound, but that's not likely or realistic. I have chosen to build my own family by choice. There may not be a blood-connection but heart connection is just as good if not better. It sounds as though M might be one of this type for you? With family of the heart one still has to put in the effort to be part of the family. We each have to fill these gaping needy holes ourselves; it's an inside job; not easy but worth it. Perhaps counseling would help?

    Sending you kind thoughts,

    Peace and Care
    941 days ago
    Praying for you
    941 days ago
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