THERESAMARIEM
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Stuck

Sunday, July 29, 2018

This isn't your normal 'stuck' blog. Unfortunately, this has more to do with my home life than my weight loss, which is going great but I think my stress is probably contributing to it.

I have been with my daughters father since I was 21. So it's been 13 years. When we first met, he was sociable, likable, the guy people would gravitate to, and just an all around fun guy to be around. Within the last 3 - 5 years he has completely changed. He's been dealing with some issues (he has a severe dry eye condition that causes buildup in the corner of his eye). He has become so self-conscious and has so much anxiety about this (because he thinks people avoid him because of it or jump to conclusions, or even talk about him behind his back). He passed up a job because of it. So, he has basically went from this guy who was so likable to secluding himself. He goes down to the basement and spends little to no time with me or our daughter.

I recently told him that he has to get help and speak to someone about his issue (he has anxiety and I believe he is depressed) and let him know that if he cannot do this, then I will have to leave. As hard as that is, and I love him more than anything but at the end of the day, this behavior is detrimental to him, to me, and most importantly to our daughter. It's important for me to show her that a relationship should not be one sided BUT it's also important that se sees her parents happy.

I really am conflicted about this ultimatum because I've stood by him for 13 years and I am his biggest support. He doesn't speak to anyone but I cannot be the only one to feel the weight of his issues. :( I wish there was a handbook for this. Any advice or support would be great.

Thanks for listening if you got this far!
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  • THERESAMARIEM
    He has been to several eye doctors and they have all said the same thing and just tell him it will eventually go away. There really is no time frame and he's been dealing with it for quite a while so I feel like his body is used to it.

    Yesterday we actually had a good day and did things together, but it was one of the only days he had off of work. He is a mail carrier for the post office and because he is not a full time employee (though he works full time hours) he doesn't typically 2 days off a week, normally just Sundays.

    I'm willing to help him in any way I can but I just can't be unhappy and have my daughter think that is how love is supposed to be. :(
    471 days ago
  • CHERIRIDDELL
    You poor girl.I have some experience of this sort of thing , my husband was a soldier and came back from war zones stressed. He is young he can get help.It seems like you are doing all the right things.
    472 days ago
  • SPARKFRAN514
    sorry you are going though a rough spot. have no tips for you but praying things improve and he goes for help. emoticon
    472 days ago
  • LINDA!
    I am so sorry about your situation. I am assuming that he has not gone to his family doctor. I had cataract surgery last year. The physician I went to was a specialist with dry eye condition. There are many over the counter products that he can try. I hate to see him lose so much of his life over this treatable condition. I am very sorry he did not take a promotion due to this.

    Keeping him (your family) in my prayers.
    472 days ago
  • MARYANNGI
    This is a very tough situation for you and your family. I can honestly say from personal experience that men have a difficult time going for counseling. Will he go to his PCP or eye doctor to get treatment for his dry eye condition. There have been new treatments in the past few years that might work for him.

    Try suggesting going on a family picnic. That will be a small step and he won't feel crowded and anxious. As you do more outdoor activities, he might become more comfortable.

    Hope this helps.

    472 days ago
  • DIANEDOESSMILES
    Hi Theresa,,,,Did you know there are online support groups for dry eyes?

    A friend belongs to a Muscular degeneration group and I do to a Brain Aneurysm group, both are on facebook. Often times just reading down thru the posts is very helpful. I don't have any friends or family members with a brain aneurysm so I felt alone going thru this. Being in the facebook group through I've learned so much!! Has cut my anxiety down severely. I did use my real facebook account, but the option is always there to make up a fake account/name.

    There are many articles about health issues and how much they impact ones life.

    Hugs hon!!
    472 days ago
  • PELESJEWEL
    emoticon Blessings!

    You are on the right track, love will guide you. Love based decisions, blessed by spirit, in the long run, have a way of working out

    472 days ago

    Comment edited on: 7/29/2018 9:53:38 PM
  • THERESAMARIEM
    We actually tried couples counseling about year or so ago and he went twice and then stopped because he had his own issues. I've told him he needs to talk to someone so he can figure out how to cope/deal. I've even offered to pay for co-pays if needed because he's concerned about costs. But I think most employers actually cover this. I paid out of pocket for the few sessions we went to because it was at a location more convenient for us. The place was out of network for my insurance.

    I'm definitely willing to do EVERYTHING for him to get him there. I will research doctors and schedule appointments and hell even take him to the appointment if I need to! I'm committed to make our relationship work but only as long as he is committed to helping himself.

    I just really hope for our little girl that he can get this under control so he can be a better father to her, no matter what the outcome is.
    472 days ago
  • NDSTOIC44
    Example of specific: make an appointment with a doctor or therapist for him and tell him he has to go and participate in treatment. Offer to go with him.
    472 days ago
  • NDSTOIC44
    It sounds like the anxiety and depression is overtaking him. He for sure needs help. I think the ultimatum is reasonable. I would give him concrete tasks with it, though. Just to say "get help" is vague and can be overwhelming to a depressed person.
    472 days ago
  • INTUITIVEEATING
    You are doing the right thing. You can love someone from a distance if living with them is unhealthy for you and your child. Good job modeling healthy relationship boundaries for your little one!! I know it's hard, but take it from me, life gets better when we get some distance from people who are bringing us down.
    472 days ago
  • KAY-SUPREME
    I think having him talk to someone would be great -- I wonder if maybe there's a counselor who would come to your home, to do a family appointment... That could show him that you really want to be there and continue to be there and support him, so that it doesn't seem like an "attack" ... which is how a lot of people can perceive an ultimatum like this one.

    Maybe you could try to ease him into doing things as well, like, outdoor activities where he can wear sunglasses so nobody will even notice anything with his eyes .. more likely than not, nobody is paying that close attention anyway. I had a seriously bloodshot eye from who knows what for a couple days and I kept saying, "I know, my eye looks terrible" and people were like, "What? i didn't even notice... I see it now, but only because you pointed it out."

    I'll say prayers for you guys. Keep your chin up, you'll get through this.
    472 days ago
  • GINA180847
    This is a very tough situation for you. Hope he finds a way out of this mess.
    472 days ago
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