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How did this happen?

Tuesday, July 17, 2018

Once upon a time, I got tired of weighing 250. I got tired of feeling (and looking) fat. I worked super hard and I lost 100 pounds. Once upon a time.

How on God's green earth did I let all of that weight (plus 3!) come back on? I need to explore this because this is part of the introspection that I'm hoping takes me back on this journey to thin.

A little over a year after goal I went on a cruise. Leading up to the cruise I was doing Keto, just to shed those 6 or 7 pounds that had crept on since goal. I was very determined and ate nothing but egg whites and chicken for 2 weeks. Ironically, I didn't lose those 6 or 7 pounds. Then I got on a big boat.

On vacation, I had a no holds barred attitude. Breakfast buffet was the equivalent of 3 breakfasts each morning. Start with the eggs and fruit. Go back up for a cream cheese bagel. Then discover the biscuits and sausage gravy.

The nights were filled with cocktails.

When I got off that ship, I weight 10 pounds more than when I got on. So there I was feeling fat at 16 or 17 pounds higher than goal.

It had begun. I knew it would happen. I didn't think I could stop it. The weight was coming back. My lifestyle change had lasted about a year and a half from goal. I felt defeated. I felt like a failure. And that was after only 16 or 17 pounds.

I have felt a bit out of control since then. I'd step on the scale once in a while just to see. Sometimes, I'd think "wow, that could be so much worse" and sometimes I would think "this is the worst." I tried to diet here and there, but there was no mojo. No zone. I didn't have the will to even try very hard. And with every new size of clothing, I felt more and more like a failure.

You'd think after a size or two, or a defeated stop on the scale or two, I'd get my act together. You'd think the motivation of knowing I had succeeded before would do the trick. It didn't.

When I was thin, I gave a seminar at my workplace on healthy, low ketogenic eating and how it got me thin. I wore my skinniest red dress and felt like a million...and I felt like an authority. I was living proof. One of my attendees asked me what made me think I was going to keep the weight off. My answer: "I love this red dress more than I love half a large pizza."

Apparently I loved the pizza more.

I tried periodically to accept my fat and love myself. And I did...sometimes. But more often than not, I felt like a failure. And I felt helpless.

Part of me used the excuse that I couldn't diet when my dad was going through chemo. I mean, how could I possibly care about something as so trivial as a burrito when my dad was dying? Just an excuse.

Part of me felt like the only way I could lose the weight again was with the same super-expensive diet plan I had used the first time. And since I could no longer afford it, I had no hope. Just an excuse.

And while I made those excuses, the weight kept creeping up.

When I was at goal, I couldn't picture a world where I would regain the weight. How could I undo the hard work that I had done?

So how did this happen? I'm still shaking my head. The easy answer is that I love to eat and I'm not a big fan of exercising...and I latch on to any excuse that will allow me to keep eating and keep sitting. That's a heck of a lifestyle that I need to change.

So here I am today.

I like the first picture better.

One step at a time.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • DINIE123
    Wow, probably every person who reads this has gone through the same process. It is very discouraging for sure. Both pictures are beautiful, that is not a problem at all. Something inside of us turns on the discipline and just as quickly ,turns it off. I wish I knew the secret, but I don't. You can win this, you know why you want to lose weight and all the benefits of wt. loss.
    I feel I could do much better with a buddy, but all my friends are thin of course,. schedules never match etc. Then there is the embarrassment of not being able to walk or exercise like my friends, I tire real easily and I hate that. So that is enough of my excuses, I am going to exercise and watch what I eat, so if I can do it, you can do it. sO LETS PROVE TO OURSELVES WE ARE NOT FAILures and build up our stamina.
    I challenge you and me both. I follow your blog, so I will see how you do. Good luck to both of us. emoticon emoticon mm emoticon
    858 days ago
    I am on my third maintenance and i am just focused everyday on being healthy. But I find that it is so easy to see the weight creep especially after vacations, battling the 5 pounds that won"t go away. Like you I have seen this trend before and I am frantic to keep it all from coming back.

    My thoughts and support are with you.
    862 days ago
    emoticon As others have commented, I could have written this blog. And to be honest, I don't have the answers. But after many years and many attempts, I have finally accepted that there is no quick fix AND diets don't work. We deprive ourselves, we lose weight then we are "free" and just revert to our former patterns and gain back the pounds and then some - that vicious and self-defeating cycle. My current approach focuses on a healthy relationship with food. My plan includes things like eating more whole, fresh foods; counting my steps; portion control; and prepping some foods in advance. Am so thankful for SP - and to you - for sharing and letting me know I am not alone.
    862 days ago
    Wow I could have written this with a few tweaks! I lost 60 and gained 100 on a program. I certainly can't afford it again, I just have to find the right way, the right road map.
    862 days ago
  • no profile photo INCH_BY_INCH
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    862 days ago
    You can do this! You have before and that's more than I could ever say. I'd try to diet but never a diet I followed, just No This , No That, no plans, no results as I got bored trying and would give in to pizza. I would only lose weight with a hard life event. It was my health that got me on plan and Spark People gave me the tools. So You, with what you did before can certainly do it again. It's kind of exciting and you do have lots of support here!
    862 days ago
    you did it before you can do it again. i never diet dont use the word i eat healthy , everyone deserves to eat healthy, we can do it together
    862 days ago
    Very Interesting, introspective blog.
    You can do this! emoticon emoticon emoticon
    862 days ago
    I am trying to change my lifestyle too... we can do this!
    863 days ago
    As previously stated by - well everyone - I could have written this myself. Minus the cruise. But we do a week at an all inclusive every Feb. Just as bad. Best wishes!
    863 days ago
    hmm.. I have a very similar story, with all the hard work leading up to a great 'cruise' then I have no idea what happened afterwards! I guess I stopped paying attention to everything!
    But here we are, still reaching out, still trying.. Done it before, can do it again, and learn from past mistakes!
    You've got this!

    863 days ago
    Yes, I am right in the middle of REgaining a 155lb. loss. Up about 80lbs. And I would like to say I am fighting to turn it around - But, I am not. I am almost 70 yrs old...I won't live long enough to ever be normal. So, I've pretty much quit.
    863 days ago
    Oh can I relate to this blog!!! It's a constant battle. Just starting over is proof you're on top of it!
    863 days ago
  • no profile photo CHAYOR73
    emoticon One day at a time! emoticon
    863 days ago
    There are so many of us who have traveled the same journey. We all think we'll never go back to the old fat me ... then we find ourselves there. I think for me, it will be a lifetime struggle. I too wish I could find the answer as to how to stop the insanity. I can only hope that this time around I find the answer. I hope you find it too.
    863 days ago
    Your blog resonates with MANY Spark Friends, including me. Asking questions is a good thing; answers help. But when the questions become self-shaming self-flagellation, they are counterproductive. So ask hard questions and deal with disappointing answers, but be kind to yourself all the while.

    A particular point that hit home for me was the assumption that losing weight again is impossible if the diet or support system that worked a long time ago isn't there. That's simply not true. You CAN find a way, a way that fits your lifestyle, health, and current age. It may even serve you better in the long run.

    We're cheering for you! We all struggle, but the MOST positive indicator that you will find your way back to healthy fitness is that you are consistently using Sparkpeople to help you. Yea, you!
    863 days ago
  • no profile photo CD23403922
    We can do this together!!
    863 days ago
    You look Fantastic!
    863 days ago
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