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The 3L System

Saturday, July 14, 2018

The Three L's
When my kids were little, they knew there were three things I would not tolerate and all three things started with the letter "L". So I've always said that I raised my kids by the 3L system. Those words are: Litterbug, laziness and liar. Well, I've been lying in bed since 0230 trying to figure out how to be an honest liar. Yep, you read that right. How can I be an honest liar??? Today is weigh in day for my Teddy Bear challenge team. I haven't been on the scale since July 4th when I had to weigh in last before I went on vacation. That weight showed a 3.6 pound increase. Just before that, I had broken a binge free streak I was successfully having and once I broke it, I just went into a big downward spiral and lost all my motivation and felt like I was hopelessly always going to be struggling with emotional eating. I accepted that weight gain even though it was a hard truth to swallow. Then I went on vacation. I had a very active vacation. We were hiking, playing badminton, swimming.....but we were eating too. I had pre-vacation visions of eating healthy and how I was going to achieve that. Sadly, it didn't happen all the time. I ate the celebration cake....I ate the potato salad and macaroni salad....I nibbled on the trail mix....and yes, I had a banana split. But I....But I.....But I....what do I say here?????But I didn't think I ate as bad as my scale reflected today. I stepped on my scale at 0230 this morning when I woke up to use the bathroom and it said 187.6. That is another 3.8 pound increase. My heart sunk. I could feel the panicked disappointed depressed feeling settling in. I laid there in bed thinking "ok....I'll just wait a bit longer and it will go down some more". Who was I kidding??? How was I going to post another big weight gain on my team??? What would people think?? Would they be laughing at me??? Would they think what a stupid example of a motivational leader for our team when she can't even motivate herself to lose weight???Would they be wishing I wasn't on the team so I wouldn't be hurting their total team numbers in the challenge??? The thought crossed my mind to just disappear from Sparks so I wouldn't have to face my problems openly. Then I got to thinking, "what if I just lie and put down some numbers that show a loss since my last weigh in? Who would even know??".......Yes, I was seriously considering doing that. I was even working the math out to make it look realistic. That way, I wouldn't have to worry about hurting the team and I wouldn't have to worry about being judged by everyone or laughed at or not taken seriously or talked about behind my back (how do you even do that online). Then I remembered my 3L system. How could I raise my kids not to be liars and then turn around and be a liar myself. Did I mention I have a hard time tolerating phony people? So there it is folks.....187.6. I have gained 7.4 pounds since the 5% Challenge started on June30th. What the heck is wrong with me? Just before the challenge started, I was feeling so POSITIVE that I would meet or even exceed my 5% loss. I felt up to the challenge. What happened to that feeling?? A question was posted on our Teddy Bear team "What was the last thing you binged on?" know what, not a single person that responded said they considered themselves a binger. Well, I am. Why does it have to be me? Why am I such a messed up person? Why can't I be like other people and eat normal, think normal, act normal and happily lose weight week after week after week? Is everyone struggling like I am but just don't complain like I do??? People make it look so effortless. They just eat normal and exercise and the weight falls off. They win their battles. Do they struggle every single day with overeating like I do, but they just don't admit it like I do??? I just don't know what to do. I just don't feel like I can win this battle. I really do feel like I'm in the hopeless percentile. I know what a person has to do to lose weight. I have no problem with exercise. I've tried every stinking trick in the book to get a grasp on my eating problem but I fail every single time. My life is just one big roller coaster. I'm not looking for responses like "just take one baby step a day" or "you can do it" or "set mini goals" or "believe in yourself" or "maybe you should try counseling" or "I'm sorry it is so hard for you" or "put one foot in front of the other" or a zillion other sympathetic responses that we are all so accustomed to leaving on blogs where people are struggling and looking for answers. Truth is, I don't want sympathy. I honestly don't know what I want. I don't want my scale to show 187.6. I don't want to be the fat person in the room. I don't want to be this sad about my journey progress. I do want people to believe that I am happy for their own success though. I do want people to believe me when I cheer for them and know I am being sincere. So when you see a goodie from me or a comment on your spark page from me, don't think "why is she cheering for me when she can't even cheer for herself". I enjoy being your cheerleader.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • JUSTME29
    I didn't see the question about binging, and I might have skipped it if I had. Admitting to binging after a bunch of people say it's not a problem for them - that's scary. I'm a binger too. I'm also a grazer. It's not a great combination because grazing can easily turn into binging.

    I've lost a little weight on this challenge, but I'm having a hard time with motivation. I hate to exercise and it's hard to force myself to do it. I wish I enjoyed it, but I just don't. I do like healthy foods but I don't like to cook so I don't eat as well as I should. I get down on myself for all of that, for the weight that I've regained over the last year or so - but like you, I'm genuinely happy for other people's success. I don't think anyone questions your sincerity there.
    5 days ago
    Pat on this Spark Journey I have regained 30-40 pounds !!! You did the right thing and I understand how hard that choice was for you. But you are an honest good person. Sometimes our body fluctuates 9-10 pounds.
    You didn't let down the Teddybears or yourself. I have not lost a pound in weeks and sometimes my weight fluctuates. Weighing myself at 230 am will show a different result than weighing in at 0800.
    Sending Hugs
    6 days ago
    You see... we are all in the same boat here. You chose to be honest... and be human. This is not the negativity that I referred to in my blog today. You are showing vulnerability; a very brave thing to do. So you were on vacation and enjoyed yourself. Let it go... it's time to 'go back to work'. You know what to do. emoticon emoticon
    8 days ago
    You are such a great motivator and inspiring person that I don't see how you could even think that anyone would think different because you did not have a weight loss. This is a non judgmental place where we can feel free to express our weight gains or losses without any fear of people judging us!!

    When I started on spark seven years ago I started to go up and at one point my weight got out of control. So reading your story I can see a lot of similarities. I also thought of how I was hurting the team but I got support and encouragement from my team and spark family.
    Don't feel like you have let anyone down - you just need to think about yourself and how you feel. You have been such an inspiration and so insightful (as your spark name says). You are an awesome motivator and it has been my pleasure working with you. So dear Pat - dust yourself off - enough pity party and get back on the horse as they say!!!
    emoticon emoticon emoticon

    8 days ago
    Thanks for speaking for so many of us! Your honesty is so refreshing. I have struggled sometimes in the challenges, and I, too, have not wanted to post my weight, but I did and I felt o.k. about it. I try to make sure I have a loss, though, and that is a struggle. We all have those days. I dreaded this a.m., too, because yesterday was my birthday, and while I didn't eat cake, I had a wonderful scallop/risotto meal at one of our favorite restaurant. For me, fortunately, the exercise I did this week worked in my favor.
    Please, stay steady and keep your focus. The challenge is NOT the goal, just a part of the journey.
    8 days ago
    You know what? I lost 50 lbs when I first joined Sparkpeople. Then I gained it all back, plus 20 more. For several years I lost all motivation and started feeling just like you do. I joined challenges, not believing I would make it. I finished many challenges weighting more than when I started. But I never really gave up. Please don't give up! As others have said, you are the best ML the team ever had. YOU matter. You were able to stay off binges for a long time, and this tells you that you can do it.
    8 days ago
    Good way to go. I just take one day at a time and as long as I keep moving one step forward each day, I'm happy. emoticon
    8 days ago
    I love your honesty! It's so refreshing. Believe me, I've had many of the same thoughts during these challenges, especially in the earlier ones. Lying on my weight post is right up there. But like you I thought that wouldn't be the best idea because I couldn't actually lie to myself.

    I agree with Cathy, you have been one of the best motivators our team has had. The combination of you and Bibi are a great team!

    As for what others think - well, I believe it's a bit like going to the gym, which I was very self-conscious about in the beginning. We are all there doing our best at whatever we are doing. No one is looking at me because they are too busy looking at themselves, or focusing on themselves to get done what they came up there for. Here on Spark we all understand, we've all been there. We are here to support each other in whatever way we can, without making any kind of judgement on the process. I may not binge on food but I only went to the gym once this whole week - and I love going to the gym. I just couldn't make my feet get me in the car to go! Some weeks are like that.

    And thinking about the gym, it's very possible that with all the hard work you have been doing with your walking and exercising - and especially the days you were away with your children - that some of that weight is muscle. I am walking proof that gaining strength hurts your weight loss efforts. I am still finding that balance between enough food, enough exercise, and not too much of the things are aren't as good for me!

    We can do this! We may not loose our 5% but we will have given it the old college try (as my dad used to say)!
    8 days ago
    There's so much you said that I can relate to, but when you said "Why can't I be like other people and eat normal, think normal, act normal and happily lose weight week after week after week?". I've totally felt that way.

    I'm a Teddy Bear & I've lost the last 2 week, but I don't feel normal (what is normal really?). We have to be ourselves. And once we decide what we want find what works for us. It may not be what you considered normal. But it will be you.

    Also - none of us would be here if we didn't need cheerleaders & support. Support comes from those who care. I almost went off track a couple days ago & your support /goodie/message really helped! Thanks emoticon

    8 days ago
    Wow, I so relate to all you've said here. I even quit the teams as I wasn't doing my part and didn't want to bring the others down by not doing my share of positive contributions. I can't even seem to do the little challenges SP offers right.

    By the grace of God, I lost 30 lbs when I first joined SP, but I have another 30 lbs I need to lose. I didn't exercise, but I did try to eat better and think because I was eating so poorly any change I made would result in a positive way. It wasn't easy and if not for God and SP I wouldn't have succeeded then.

    What's changed now? Why can't I continue to lose? I don't have the answers as each day is a struggle for me, but I continue to try to eat healthier. I don't always succeed, but I will NOT give up trying.

    You're a step ahead of me cause I just don't exercise. I have a treadmill and stationary bike that I see every day in my house, but don't use them. I know sitting on the couch and binge watching movies is NOT a healthy lifestyle, but I can't get myself motivated even for the 10 mins/day. I keep telling myself I will exercise, but haven't yet.

    I do stay on Spark and read success stories and struggles too. I'm hoping someday my head will truly get in the healthy and fit lifestyle mode and that my body will follow along. However, I know this won't happen unless I do something about it as wanting is not enough. Will my desire turn into actions and when? I have no idea, but I'm here on SP and until I'm dead. I'm not giving up on myself and I continue to pray for God's help and thank Him for getting me this far.

    Oh, I too am extremely happy for all those who have enough drive and determination to be successful and I feel for those of us who don't and pray we all find our way.

    Just don't give up my spark friend and God's blessings to you!
    8 days ago
    Yes it's true we all struggle. Believe me I am riding the rollercoaster with you. The words you wrote could of been my own words. I lose, I gain, I set goals...sometimes I reach them goal and sometimes I don't but we still have to continue to try.
    8 days ago
    We all struggle. If we were as normal as you say in your blog, there wouldn't be any fat people. Don't be so hard on yourself. Just pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start all over again. You know you can.
    8 days ago
    I struggle, too. I can totally relate to what you said. We just have to keep fighting! emoticon
    8 days ago
    truth hurts and it also sets us free. Perhaps its time to breathe and step back a minute to evaluate the things that did go well. You had a wonderful vacation with fun, laughter, family and friends. So you gained a little, nothing that can't be worked off again. It will just take a little longer. ...and believe me; I love you more and respect you more for admitting that you failed then I ever could if you'd swept it under the carpet. Love yourself a little today and make the next step. emoticon
    8 days ago
  • no profile photo ROSSYFLOSSY
    8 days ago
  • CATE195
    You are one of the best ML I have worked with here on SP and in my years of teaching! You have motivated me to be a real team player for the Teddy Bears. I love your enthusiasm and creativity.

    As someone said, "She was powerful not because she wasn't scared but becasue she went on so strongly, despite the fear."

    8 days ago
  • NEPTUNE1939
    8 days ago
    This happens to the best of us. And believe me there is no other way apart from just accepting where you are currently and then working harder towards where you want to be.
    8 days ago
  • LINDA058
    8 days ago
    You give too much credit to others thoughts & opinions. Believe me - YOU are your biggest critic. Most people are so focused on their weight, that yours isn't even a blip on their radar. ☺
    8 days ago
    Don't worry about this. Be happy for you are still here and you still have the same chance to get healthier. Drink, drink, drink that water! emoticon
    8 days ago
    Goid system- You can get it going again. Never give up.
    8 days ago
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