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Saturday, July 07, 2018

So, before I go on WebMD and find out I have cancer or malaria, or something else horrible, I wanted to get some opinions from my Spark family.

Today (and yesterday) was REALLY BAD. I mean super bad. I ate at least half a dozen cookies yesterday, then maybe 3 brownies, with ice cream, and BBQ Bugles, homemade Chex mix, sour Starkist gummies, I can't even remember everything, it was ridiculous. Oh, and Mexican food. That was probably the healthiest thing I ate all weekend - I had some rice with zucchini, tomatoes, shrimp, and other things on a spinach tortilla, with a metric ton of chips and white queso/salsa. So much queso. I heart cheese.

Today was no better - more brownies, ice cream, BBQ Bugles, Chex mix, sour gummies, a hot dog, shrimp & avocado ceviche, chips and dip, a BBQ pork sandwich, a sleeve of crackers with powdered PB and half a banana, an energy drink, a large Diet Coke, a piece of German chocolate cake, a salted caramel cupcake, a lemon cupcake, coffee, the list goes on, again, I can't remember everything, but it was ridiculous. I blamed it on my period and girl's night (sleepover in a hotel with my sister and nieces) and Grandpa's 85th birthday. So much food. I binged for two days straight.

The reason I think maybe I have diabetes is lately my feet have been feeling weird - like a burning itch - and I don't know, maybe it's just athlete's foot or something like that, but it's been happening at night, and it's usually on the side of my feet. Then tonight I'm typing for my 2nd job and my left hand is going numb. I've been typing for about an hour, so maybe it's that - but that's never happened before.

I'm scared to death. I've had my blood sugar tested numerous times and the results have always been negative but I also know I weigh just shy of 200 lbs and I eat garbage constantly, especially the last two days. Then there's the fact that diabetes killed my (adopted) mom - maybe not all the way, she had Crohn's disease, and then liver and kidney disease - but diabetes was a huge part of it. I don't know much about my birth mother so I don't know if it's hereditary. I fought with my mom hardcore about the way she ate and now here I go, doing the same thing, I've always eaten the same way she did but I thought that I could save her if I stopped her from eating trash but really all I did was harass her and ruin the time I had left with her by constantly nagging and fighting. I really understand her point of view now and how hard she struggled with her eating and weight. I am really scared that I could end up going out the same way she did and having to give myself shots in the stomach. Once her organs started failing her legs swelled up so much they had to cut her socks off of her. She could barely walk and fell a lot. It got to wear she needed help to go to the bathroom and had to use a bedpan. She ended up doing dialysis and then quit after a week because it made her even more exhausted, and she really only did it because her husband and I asked her to. It was horrible the way she died. I'm really sorry about how I treated her through all of it and sometimes I feel like I deserve it for the way I was to her, I was downright hateful and impatient and nasty. Now I'm sitting here thinking I may be in the same boat as her and what am I going to do if it's too late now?
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    The numbness from your hands could be the angle of your typing.. ergonomics is a real thing as is carple tunnel syndrom. See the Dr, can can do that one test that tells you the 3 month average of your blood sugar.
    Maybe check out the books "Always Hungry" by Dr. Ludwig or even the old standard South Beach Diet.. they go into a lot of the scientific metabolic information on how our bodies process carbs and respond to it.. that may help you understand your cravings more?
    Hope you are having a better week than when you posted!
    Good luck, you can do this!

    453 days ago
    We love you. Please don't let guilt about your mom's choices (and your responses) drive you to take the same path. Honor the good she was able to give you by choosing to take care of yourself a little at a time. Sugar is really dangerous. It feeds cancer which you probably don't have, but getting off of it will boost your health a lot. Hugs
    453 days ago
    For you health and peace of mind- go to the dr. Don't try to self-diagnose. I like to say it is better to fix a small hurt than wait for the big hurt. It is scary to get test done but diabetes as with many other health issues can be reversed or controlled with proper medical help. Don't let your health get so bad you can repair your body.

    It is difficult to stop the binging cycle. I am finding recovery with OA. Some have found recovery here at Spark or with other friends. You can break the binge cycle- keep looking and trying till you find what works for you.

    I wish you health
    462 days ago
    Oh, I understand binging. I also know that you can get away from it.
    Sounds like the crazy binge weekend didn't only make you feel terrible physically but also emotionally.
    Having a healthy breakfast (no sugar) goes a long way towards managing your eating for the rest of the day.
    Don't fall into the WebMD trap; see your doctor.
    Best wishes!
    463 days ago
    Don't self-diagnose see a doctor. Diabetes is nothing to play with, I know it almost killed me. Because your Step-mother had it means nothing, this disease is part genetic so therefore it has to be a blood relative. You can purchase a glucose test meter and check yourself. May your journey be what you are looking for.
    463 days ago
  • GWENH05
    Avoid WebMD. Make an appointment with your physician and let go of any guilt you are harboring. You can not change the past. Accept the past for what it was and be the person you want to be from this point on.
    463 days ago
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