Saturday, July 07, 2018
So, before I go on WebMD and find out I have cancer or malaria, or something else horrible, I wanted to get some opinions from my Spark family.
Today (and yesterday) was REALLY BAD. I mean super bad. I ate at least half a dozen cookies yesterday, then maybe 3 brownies, with ice cream, and BBQ Bugles, homemade Chex mix, sour Starkist gummies, I can't even remember everything, it was ridiculous. Oh, and Mexican food. That was probably the healthiest thing I ate all weekend - I had some rice with zucchini, tomatoes, shrimp, and other things on a spinach tortilla, with a metric ton of chips and white queso/salsa. So much queso. I heart cheese.
Today was no better - more brownies, ice cream, BBQ Bugles, Chex mix, sour gummies, a hot dog, shrimp & avocado ceviche, chips and dip, a BBQ pork sandwich, a sleeve of crackers with powdered PB and half a banana, an energy drink, a large Diet Coke, a piece of German chocolate cake, a salted caramel cupcake, a lemon cupcake, coffee, the list goes on, again, I can't remember everything, but it was ridiculous. I blamed it on my period and girl's night (sleepover in a hotel with my sister and nieces) and Grandpa's 85th birthday. So much food. I binged for two days straight.
The reason I think maybe I have diabetes is lately my feet have been feeling weird - like a burning itch - and I don't know, maybe it's just athlete's foot or something like that, but it's been happening at night, and it's usually on the side of my feet. Then tonight I'm typing for my 2nd job and my left hand is going numb. I've been typing for about an hour, so maybe it's that - but that's never happened before.
I'm scared to death. I've had my blood sugar tested numerous times and the results have always been negative but I also know I weigh just shy of 200 lbs and I eat garbage constantly, especially the last two days. Then there's the fact that diabetes killed my (adopted) mom - maybe not all the way, she had Crohn's disease, and then liver and kidney disease - but diabetes was a huge part of it. I don't know much about my birth mother so I don't know if it's hereditary. I fought with my mom hardcore about the way she ate and now here I go, doing the same thing, I've always eaten the same way she did but I thought that I could save her if I stopped her from eating trash but really all I did was harass her and ruin the time I had left with her by constantly nagging and fighting. I really understand her point of view now and how hard she struggled with her eating and weight. I am really scared that I could end up going out the same way she did and having to give myself shots in the stomach. Once her organs started failing her legs swelled up so much they had to cut her socks off of her. She could barely walk and fell a lot. It got to wear she needed help to go to the bathroom and had to use a bedpan. She ended up doing dialysis and then quit after a week because it made her even more exhausted, and she really only did it because her husband and I asked her to. It was horrible the way she died. I'm really sorry about how I treated her through all of it and sometimes I feel like I deserve it for the way I was to her, I was downright hateful and impatient and nasty. Now I'm sitting here thinking I may be in the same boat as her and what am I going to do if it's too late now?