Friday, July 06, 2018
I hit a plateau. I got discouraged. I stopped. I gained 31 pounds. Now I am starting again.
Plateaus are going to happen. I had really rapid weight loss and managed to lose 180 pounds in about 16 months. When I stopped losing I tried everything. I ate more. I ate less. I added exercises, stopped exercises, changed exercises. Finally, I stopped exercising.
From February to July I have gained 31 pounds. I stopped being accountable. I had days where I bought and ate candy as I did in my old days. I let my fat thinking take over. "It doesn't matter if I have [insert vice in front of me at the moment]. If I made cookies for an event, I ate a third of them. And while I didn't go back to my pasta and potatoes comfort zone I did tracking what I ate.
My depression has been talking loud these last few months. It's a familiar voice that always seems to be whispering to me. Lately it's been roaring. Isn't it odd that you can be happier than you have ever been in your life and still be depressed? Doctor's today don't want to deal with this. They want you to see a psychiatrist. Psychiatrists aren't covered. You soldier on struggling through the mire that wants to hold you in stasis so it can talk even louder. Bring more darkness. There is shame, because I should be better than this. Things in my life are better than they have been in almost a decade and yet, I am struggling.
Food is comfort. It does something for me. It's more than the sensation of hunger. I eat because it tastes good. Because when there is food I can forget everything but it. It's not good for me. Food is medicine. Food is medicine. Food is medicine.
My finances got complicated and I was unable to stay at the gym. I love the pool. I can move, something I can't do in real life because of the pain. Without exercise the pain gets worse. I move less, which hurts more, so move less, which hurts... well it never ends.
But today I start again. I am tracking. I am back where I can be held accountable. I will reinstitute the new habits that are hard and walk away from the old ones that are easy. I won't do it all at once. I will take one small step and then another and another.
There is a way out of this and I will find it.