Day 683: A New Breaking Point?
Friday, June 15, 2018
I've been putting on a fake face for months now pretending that it's funny how I'm packing on pounds while eating somewhat healthy and moving a little more than usual. I've laughed with my family and joked about it. The truth is, I have been lying. They know I hide food, but I've always told everyone it was because I grew up in a family with a bunch of kids and if you didn't hide it, you didn't get to eat it. That's not why I hide my food, though. I hide it because I eat WAY more than anyone in my house knows and I'm horribly embarrassed about how much I consume in a day. That way, I can enjoy it in peace and still have it look like I eat a moderate amount to the outside world. Every once in a while, I get caught and I get very defensive. I've been struggling in my relationship for months now because I know my spouse is disgusted by me. Here's the thing, though - he has never once implied that. I know I'm projecting my own disgust onto him. I can pretend he hates me and then he doesn't ever have to see my body because we're always fighting. It's all just been really heavy and sugar-packed and full of shame lately.
Today, I came across a blog from "Half of Gabby" that left me in tears. I was an absolute blubbering mess. She described my life right now to a T. She said the embarrassing, horrifying things that I can't tell anyone. And somehow it felt scary and freeing and embarrassing and comforting all at once. I am SO absolutely addicted to food and I don't know how to take on this battle. I have dealt with bipolar disorder. It's been rough, to say the least. I am in recovery and am serving as a role model for others in my community with mental health issues. I have dealt with opioid addiction. It was hell and I didn't think I could conquer, but I have been clean for 7 years. It still rears it's head and challenges me from time-to-time, but I've got it under control. But I'm lost as to how to do this food thing! It is everywhere! I can't abstain, I can't avoid it 24/7... I don't know how to take this journey. I am 683 days in and I still feel like I'm at day 1 except I'm 7 pounds heavier and far less excited.