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Day 683: A New Breaking Point?

Friday, June 15, 2018

I've been putting on a fake face for months now pretending that it's funny how I'm packing on pounds while eating somewhat healthy and moving a little more than usual. I've laughed with my family and joked about it. The truth is, I have been lying. They know I hide food, but I've always told everyone it was because I grew up in a family with a bunch of kids and if you didn't hide it, you didn't get to eat it. That's not why I hide my food, though. I hide it because I eat WAY more than anyone in my house knows and I'm horribly embarrassed about how much I consume in a day. That way, I can enjoy it in peace and still have it look like I eat a moderate amount to the outside world. Every once in a while, I get caught and I get very defensive. I've been struggling in my relationship for months now because I know my spouse is disgusted by me. Here's the thing, though - he has never once implied that. I know I'm projecting my own disgust onto him. I can pretend he hates me and then he doesn't ever have to see my body because we're always fighting. It's all just been really heavy and sugar-packed and full of shame lately.

Today, I came across a blog from "Half of Gabby" that left me in tears. I was an absolute blubbering mess. She described my life right now to a T. She said the embarrassing, horrifying things that I can't tell anyone. And somehow it felt scary and freeing and embarrassing and comforting all at once. I am SO absolutely addicted to food and I don't know how to take on this battle. I have dealt with bipolar disorder. It's been rough, to say the least. I am in recovery and am serving as a role model for others in my community with mental health issues. I have dealt with opioid addiction. It was hell and I didn't think I could conquer, but I have been clean for 7 years. It still rears it's head and challenges me from time-to-time, but I've got it under control. But I'm lost as to how to do this food thing! It is everywhere! I can't abstain, I can't avoid it 24/7... I don't know how to take this journey. I am 683 days in and I still feel like I'm at day 1 except I'm 7 pounds heavier and far less excited.
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  • BKWERM
    When I first started my weight loss journey, I tried hypnotism because I struggled with the same thing you do, which is that food is everywhere and it's not like when I quit smoking and got hypnotized. The hypnotism worked for smoking but I didn't need cigarettes to live. And, I used to not track everything I ate. I only tracked what I knew was okay for me to eat but what I learned after time is that I was only cheating/hurting myself by not tracking everything I put in my mouth so that's what I do now.

    What works for me is tracking all my meals for the day first thing in the morning and then I know ahead of time if I have any wiggle room.

    CINDYAST seems to have a lot of good info in her reply.

    emoticon
    845 days ago
  • BE-THE-CHANGE
    Snow, a lot of us do some version of this. I buy food on the way home and eat it before my DH gets here. I eat at my desk at work, instead of in the kitchen area with everyone else. We aren't fooling anyone, not even ourselves. I am going to try, again, to get back on track. We can do it.
    848 days ago
  • no profile photo CD22518161
    I so appreciate your insights and honesty. I wish you the very best on this terribly difficult journey. You are a warrior!
    857 days ago
  • BATGURL250
    Hugs Snow! You have made a huge step in blogging about it. You can do it. I agree with tracking even if it is just writing it down on paper at first.
    861 days ago
  • LOSINGLINNDY
    You have taken the first step--admitting you have the problem. Tracking what you eat even if it is just writing it on a piece of paper or in a notebook is good advice. Second, always make a list before going grocery shopping and stick to it. If you need to binge, make sure you are binging on healthy food and drinks. If you need sweets, stick with artificially sweeten items. No one says this is easy but it can be done. emoticon And keep talking to us.

    emoticon
    863 days ago
  • CINDYAST
    Okay hun, I'm going to give you some tough love here because I've been where you are now. To be honest, I still make an occasional visit there. Hiding food, pretending that I'm not eating as much as I am, all that you said. Your first step is to be honest with yourself. If you're anything like me, while I knew I was sneaking food I really didn't know HOW much I was consuming until I started HONESTLY tracking EVERYTHING I put in my mouth.No matter how small. Even gum and tic tacs. Yes, it's time consuming and embarrassing, but it's truly the only way to get a grip on binge eating. I found that when I HAD to write it down as soon as I ate anything, I was less likely to put it in my mouth. I didn't share the information with anyone, I felt this was a battle I had to fight on my own and besides it was too humiliating to share. But it works. And it takes time. I can't tell you how many set backs I've had, be willing to restart. Don't think of the big picture right now, think of it minute by minute. You're not the only person who faces this "addiction" so don't think you're some freak of nature. There are a LOT of us who have this problem. Truly, I feel your pain and I understand how badly it hurts. I wish I could reach out and hug you.
    864 days ago
  • IMLOCOLINDA
    emoticon Sometimes it just helps to 'come clean'. You've dealt with other addictions in an admirable way and you can (and will) deal with your food addiction.
    emoticon It won't be easy. Nothing that is worth it ever is. emoticon
    864 days ago
  • LISAMARIE2015
    Hugs! I know you can do this, it won’t be easy but you CAN do it!
    864 days ago
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